FA 102 Maintaining Independence in a Relationship

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  • Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make It Work - Tiny Buddha

    • By Carrie L. Burns

    • Whether you are in a relationship that you are unsure of right now or if you are just venturing into the dating world, ask yourself these things before you settle down:

      • 1. How do you feel about yourself when you’re around them?

      • 2. Are my needs equal in importance to their own?

      • 3. Are their core values in line with mine?

      • 4. Do they want to know me? The real me?

      • 5. Is my life better with them in it?

Topic

What causes independence to erode in a relationship

  • Marks of codependency

  • How to know if codependency is a problem in your relationship

    • Beware placing all of your eggs in one basket!

Strategies for maintaining independence

  • Maintain at least a few friends who are independent of your mate(s)

    • Independent friends make excellent confidants regarding relationship issues, but make sure you come to them with the good if you vent about the bad

    • If you vent about an issue that is later resolved to your satisfaction, inform your friends about your contentment with the resolution

  • Take trips apart

    • Consider attending furry conventions independently of each other, or attending different conventions that take place the same weekend

    • Room with different friend groups every once and awhile

  • Keep separate finances

    • Consider a “yours-mine-ours” approach or choose to simply divide up expenses rather than merging funds

  • Keep separate hobbies and interests

    • It’s a good idea to have at least some activities that you enjoy independently of your mate(s)

Independence vs Secrecy

  • There is little benefit to your relationship from maintaining independence if you don’t talk to your mate about the independent experiences that you have

  • Coming home to your mate to discuss what you’ve experienced and learned on your own ensures that you and your mate grow together rather than grow apart

Question

 

Hi Feral Attraction,

 

You guys often talk about managing mismatched sex drives, but I was wondering if you had any advice on managing mismatched motivation drives. My boyfriend was pretty active before we moved in together, but after we got an apartment together he doesn’t want to go out (even to the gym), and our dates now consist of us watching television and going to sleep. I want to go out and enjoy life, but he’s making it impossible to do together. Am I doing something wrong? Should we break up? Help!

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Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.