Subject: I found myself in two new relationships, and now I can’t decide, help!
So a couple of months ago, around February, I started talking to guy in a telegram chat for my suit maker. Let's call this guy Jim for ease of reference's sake. Jim and I hit it off pretty well, talking for a bit and becoming online friends. I develop a bit of a suit and actual crush on him because, well, adorable suit and guy. Fast forward a couple months and I hear he's going to be at IFC! I immediately ask him if he knows anyone with an open room and he says his is full but sets me up with a friend of his. IFC rolls around and we really hit it off. To make a long story short, hook up ensues, we hang out for a large chunk of the con, everything is great.
Con's over and he goes back to his home, I to mine. We're now about 5 hours apart. No biggie, I've dealt with LDRs before and Jim seems like he would be willing to come up to me as well as I to him. A month or so later, I'm down at his place for the weekend and having a blast. We're getting along really well and I pop the question of if he wants to be my mate. He tells me there's some reasons he can't right now, but soon. I respect that and we go our ways.
We sort of hit a bit of a stand still and nothing happens for a couple weeks. In this time, I meet a friend of a friend, let's call her Katie. Now Katie sort of catches my interest and at this point things are radio silence between Jim and I. I inquire to Katie and I's mutual friend and they tell me Katie is asexual and a monogamous type. Sort of a deal breaker for me since I have a relatively average sex drive and would either need a monogamous partner to share that or an open relationship to seek that fulfillment from somewhere else. So that's put on the back burner. But the thought sticks around. Katie and I become good friends, hanging out pretty frequently since she lives close to me. We share interests, senses of humor, etc. I can't get the thought out of my brain. Eventually I notice she's somewhat going out of her way to do things with me and I poke Katie and I's mutual friend to look into it. This friend gets back to me saying "congratulations, you might be the first person Katie has been into." I'm excited, but have to tamp it for another reason...
During this time, Jim picks things back up. We have a couple of good discussions and are getting back to where we were. He finally admits to me in a moment of vulnerability that his last relationship was very abusive and basically that his confidence has been shaken. It all makes sense to me and I really connect with him. We agree to give the relationship thing a try, but don't really tell anyone about it just yet (I have a penchant for drama when announcing these sort of things...). He also agrees to let it be open since it's long distance and he's not too keen on one of my bigger kinks, murrsuiting, but wants me to explore myself. Perfect right?
This is where things get really messy. Katie and I had already agreed to a movie night after I had agreed to be Jim's mate. That night, we're sorta cuddled up on the couch as two close friends sometimes do and it gets a bit intimate... nothing crazy, just some kissing. For some stupid reason, I don't tell her that I had agreed to be Jim's mate tho... She professes how she's had a thing for me and wants to date. I'm nervous now and backpedaling and so I say to hold off for a bit. More cuddling and the night ends.
The next day I tell her the situation, and I'll be damned, but Katie takes it really well. She says she's glad I told her so soon and that, even though she's sad, we can still be friends. It'd be fine if she didn't punctuate it with "I'll be here if anything changes"
Fast forward a week and I'm back down with Jim for a mutual friend's birthday party. During this weekend, I notice a couple of things I don't particularly like about Jim. Little things that just irk me slightly, but nothing horrendous. The weekend ends and in a moment of confusion at my current situation, I ask him if we could postpone telling others that we're mates. I tell him I don't want to rush in after essentially only a few IRL dates. This seems ok to him.
So now we're in the present. I'm in a pseudo relationship with Jim that has a lot of pros, but also a lot of cons. On the pros, he's a real sweetheart and shares the same suit maker as me as well as being ok with an open relationship for me to explore my kinks. We've got a history and I know that I'm helping him through his previous relationship issues. Cons are that he's far away and has some personality quirks that bother me like not reciprocating conversation very well and not sharing my vivacious outgoing attitude in public situations. Katie on the other hand is close, an amazing artist and fursuit maker (which is a big turn on for me), shares a lot of my likes and dislikes as well as my general sense of humor, and we get along amazingly. However, she has a lower sex drive than me and wants to stay relatively closed which isn't as much of a deal breaker as if she were ace, but is definitely a con, and she does not share my kinks which means I would have to find non-harmful ways to deal with that instead of exploring them.
I want things to work out with Jim, but I cant get the idea of a relationship with Katie out of my head. They both have pros and cons that almost balance out with them leaning ever so lightly towards Katie. But I feel like dumping Jim so quickly after we sort of agreed to be in a relationship, especially with his history, would just break him... and I care a lot for him regardless of romantic interest.
Right now I've resigned to the plan to give Jim until MFF to give me a good reason to stay and if not, try to break it back to a friendship and move on to Katie... but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do...
TL;DR - Long distance, not as many shared interests Jim with some past relationship issues and open to open relationships vs. Local, lots of shared interests Katie who's lower sex drive and doesn't share kinks.
I know I just vomited a huge story on you full of stupid complexities and crisscrossing narratives, but hopefully you can see what's going on here and give me some input. I'm just afraid that the longer I take to figure this thing out, the better chance there is of losing both of them... In the absence of being able to chime in on this specific story, is there anything you can weigh in on regarding breaking up with people who have had past abusive/negative relationships? Or maybe how to drop a relationship back to a friendship?
Subject: How do I stay sane when my two long-distance mates move in with each other?
Hi, if you don't mind, I would like some advice right now on my current relationship. I have contacted you in the past about my mate, and the possibility of him getting a new job, where I was worried about him not spending that much time with me. However, he did not get the job, so, that's one problem I no longer have to deal with. However, this is another issue I will have to deal with pretty soon. I remember in your podcast about long-distance poly relationships, and how if you're the long distance partner and your partners live local to each other, it can be a recipe for a ton of FOMO, envy, and jealousy. For a year I didn't have to deal with this since my long-distance partners who live in California were apart from each other in NorCal and SoCal. However, that's about to change. I'm partners with a cat fur and a bunny fur. The cat fur lives in NoCal and the bunny fur lives in SoCal. However, after them being together for 11 years, the bunny fur is about to move in with the cat fur. I already feel as though as if I'm not gonna be able to handle this emotionally well. How can I make sure that despite them moving in together that they will still be able to have time for me when it comes to conversation, sex, intimacy? It's not really them moving in that bothers me but if it will cut down time on the time we spend together. It doesn't help also that they seem to be pretty good in terms of finances. However, I am poor as can be and don't even have a car at the moment. It might take me at least 4 to 6 years to move in with them after I finish college. Even then, there's no guarantee they'll have a place of their own at that time since the bunny fur is moving in with his cat fur's uncle's place and his uncle has no idea about me because the cat fur believes he can't come out as poly to his uncle. He already had mixed feeling about him being in a gay relationship. How can I speed up the process of me becoming local to them? How can I make sure they'll still have time for me for all my needs? Plus, how can I make sure the feelings of FOMO, envy, and jealousy doesn't poison our relationship?
Subject: Thanks and a little advice needed
Question: Hello, Feral Attraction. I had asked the question before (stated in episode 75, All Questions Show #6) of what I needed to do to make other people like me. I have taken your advice and it has helped me a lot over these few months overcome this obstacle that I had my entire time being in school. I have you to thank majorly as this has changed my life drastically in a positive way. I did disregard changing my physical appearance because I planned laser eye surgery in the future, but that can't be done until my eyes stop changing how close I have to be to see something, but I focused on myself, which my co-workers enjoy due to I disregard everyone's opinions on me. This led to me actually getting a girl’s number, even though I could barely say a word to her since she looked gorgeous. The only way I got her number was I gave her a Taco Bell mild sauce packet that said "I think you're pretty". (Feel free to laugh, I don’t mind) My past has left me antisocial for quite a while and I really want some advice on how to break more out of my shell and muster up some courage to talk to people in general. What can I do to become more sociable and be able to actually talk to this girl in person rather than text messages on a phone screen?
Subject: My husband left me for his new partner, and I don’t know what to do
My husband of 8 years decided to bring in a third as an equal partner I disagreed with this ( the equal partner part makes it seem like 8 years is wasted) He ended up going to furcons and spending a ton more quality time with the Third and bonding with him. Where my husband should have been spending that time with me. So I was left pretty much by myself and the relationship for a while. We have since been separated and he's looking into divorce and marrying the Third. This was brought up within 2 months of meeting the Third. We don't have that much contact anymore, I tried to text him he doesn't reply back kind of thing. so I'm not sure what to do should I just go for the divorce or should I try to win him back? I still have extreme feelings for him but I don't think he feels the same way back I don't know he shares his feelings with the third about me but he never shares them with me. So I never know what he's actually thinking. Right before the break up we had an anniversary and I made him a very romantic meal with candles and wine and he kept accusing the third of planning the idea in my head and call me an asshole for giving him gifts and thinking of him. He's never been super romantic with me or anything in our relationship I wanted it but the way he was grown up it's even hard for him to say the love word and he freaked out when I said it. Not sure if this was planned from the beginning of meeting the third on his part would like advice on what I should do next.
Subject: 26 and still a virgin
Question: Hey, I am a bisexual male who is 26 years old and is still a virgin. I desperately want to have sex but I don't know anything about dating or even how to engage in a scenario that would lead to sex. Just to be clear, I just want to have casual sex, I am not looking for a relationship at this point in my life. My issue was that I was very shy for a long time so I never got experience with dating before. I am far less shy today but I still don't interact with others as much as I could. At a furmeet a couple of months ago I saw a guy who I felt very attracted to but I never made an attempt to talk to him and I'm not sure why. I know anxiety is a major block to many people but I never really felt anxious in that situation. Another thing I can't explain is even though I am bisexual I have this notion that I have to have sex with a female first despite the fact that I have more of a preference for guys. I have also found that physical attraction is a major factor in who I would be willing to have sex with. In past people have tried to engage with me sexually but I did nothing because I wasn't attracted to them. Currently I have noticed this guy on a furry social media site. While I have not chatted with him directly he has provided enough evidence in his comments to lead me believe that if I straight up asked him if he wanted to bang he would almost certainly say yes. But since I don't know what he actually looks like I don't know if that is something I would want to do. So my questions are: how could I engage with people more that would lead to some bedroom fun. What could be keeping me from talking to others? Are my personal standards too high? Should I actually try to have sex with a female first or just take the first opportunity that comes along? Should I contact the guy on the furry site? Thanks for any advice.
Subject: First Time Relationship
Question / Message / Feedback: Hi there. So I am a very introverted person when it comes to meeting new people and I typicaly tend to avoid it at most all costs. I never really experienced the typical high school dating scene and as such do not have much experience in that realm. Fast forward to the present, where I am trying my best to step out of my comfort zone. I've found a person I am intersted ing getting to know on a deeper level than just friends. Now my problem is that I just do not know what to do about some of the paranoia and anxiety I've been feeling on the matter. I'm paranoid that I will mess things up before they even begin, or that I'm moving too fast. I've seeked help from close and trusted friends and their advice is to just be myself and go with the flow. But how am i supposed to go with the flow when I am so far out of my element, having been the one to initiate conversation and have interest in getting to know this person? I frankly feel like I'm spiraling a bit out of control and could use a bit of help getting myself back on track. Thanks for reading and possibly responding!
Subject: Self worth in poly relationships
Question: Hi guys, I've really been enjoying the podcast. It's been really useful and insightful and has helped me learn a lot about relationships and how to handle conflicts within them. I have a question and was hoping for some advice. I'm a guy in a poly relationship with a few guys. My partners all get a lot of attention from other people, and have no trouble finding other dates or play partners. I'm happy for them, but I seem to have trouble finding play partners myself and don't really get much interest from other people terribly often. It tends to make me feel quite insecure about myself and negatively affects my self esteem. I try very hard to not be salty when my mates have dates or are hooking up and I'm just going about life as usual, but it can be really difficult at times... Do you guys have any advice for feeling insecure when your partners get a lot more interest/action than you do?
I feel I didn't properly set up my situation. I have an Android device I'm able to contact everyone that matters to me with, the mate and I talking every couple days is just a cover story. I was looking for a healthy way to escape the relationship, in a way that my parents could clearly see why we broke up, and that I wouldn't need internet access from them anymore. I would still have been able to contact everyone I needed to.
I actually took action before you guys were able to answer my question. I broke up with my mate under the pretense that he would help me out with my cover story. I felt really bad about this, but the relationship had hit a breaking point and I just needed out. He said that he didn't want to see me in a difficult situation, and since we stayed friends he was okay with helping me out with that. Perhaps I didn't make the right decision, but I made the one that self-sustained me and created the least net loss. As I said, most of my emotional supports exist online, so not having internet access is detrimental to me. Those three months were a very depressing time, and I really can't plan to go through that again. I fell back on my therianthropy as a coping mechanism as much as I could during that time, which I hate to do.
You brought to light that it wasn't my partner's problem that I would be losing internet access. I really appreciate this, and I'm working double-time to find a way to "break it off" in an explainable way for my parents. I actually feel pretty ashamed of myself for getting into this situation.
Anyways, I wanted to end this email with a bit of feedback. Viro's line sounded very crackly, and some points as if it was skipping a bit. I know VoIP isn't super reliable, but it seemed worse than other weeks this week.
Also, do you guys use pop filters? I've noticed that, even in past episodes, the s sounds are very sharp and can sometimes hurt when I'm listening through headphones. The bendable ones are pretty affordable.
Thanks again for offering your advice for my complicated problem, and I'll be keeping in mind what you said. In general, I really enjoyed last week's show.
Next week’s topic: Cuckolding and Hotwifing
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