FA 092 Porn and Self-pleasure in a Relationship

Introduction topic


When to talk about porn and self pleasure

  • You should talk about your porn and masturbatory habits and expectations early in a relationship (or even prior to committing to one)

  • You should talk about what you expect and what your boundaries are

    • This is especially important in relationships with any power dynamic element

    • While compromise is important, if it is not something you can live by then it might be best to seek a relationship elsewhere

    • It is not mandatory that all parties in the relationship solo-masturbate (practice “solo-sex”) or view porn. If one is content to not engage in such practices but is okay with other parties engaging then it is okay!

Why is porn and masturbation not inherently an issue in a relationship

  • When disclosed and boundaries are understood, porn and masturbation can be an excellent way of self-care and exploration

    • This is especially the case in relationships that are long-distance or where a sex drive imbalance exists

  • Porn and masturbation do not necessarily contribute to a degradation of overall happiness in a relationship

    • Many cite a study done in the 1980s by Douglas Kenrick who found that heterosexual men were less attracted to their partners after viewing Playboy centerfolds or other pornographic materials (the “contrast effect”)

      • Followup studies have found that these materials have low-to-no impact on a relationship and this could be due to disclosure, communication, or the fact that there is a better understanding of pornographic material (and better access to it) now than there was in the 1980s.

      • It is still important, though, to not replace reality with fantasy and have unfair expectations of your partner(s) that you would from a professional

When does porn and self pleasure become an issue

  • When it interferes with relationship expectations and boundaries

    • If you make a commitment, you should keep it. If you can’t keep it, don’t make the commitment

  • When it is not disclosed and done in a shameful way

    • This can often lead to resentment issues, especially if discovered later on

    • Many individuals might view porn or solo-sex as a form of infidelity, so it is best to discuss this topic as early as possible to ensure the boundaries are understood and in plain sight

  • When you expect your partner(s) to perform sex with the same ability as an adult actor/actress

    • Porn is fantasy and not an instructional video

    • Porn is great for exploring certain kinks or fantasies your partner may not have interest in engaging in (BDSM, degradation, etc…) but just because your partner consents to the porn doesn’t mean they consent to the action performed on them

  • When your porn usage and solo-sex habits replace sexual intimacy with your mate(s)

    • Especially an issue if a low libido partner directs sexual energy to solo pleasure without attending to desires of their higher libido partner

      • https://www.feralattraction.com/advice/i-have-a-much-higher-sex-drive-than-my-mate-help


  • Subject: Unable to find romantic partner

    • Hi. I hope you don't mind if i ask for some advice. I'm 26 years old and I'm still painfully single. I know what i want out of a relationship. I know what i need to know about myself and i know what i look for in a Partner. But for some reason everytime someone is "interested" in me, they see me as a sex object, they want me to be a sub in a Dom/Sub relationship, or they just want a one night stand, none of which is what i want. I'm not fond of Domination/Submission because i want a relationship with a Partner and not someone who has to dictate the others actions. I dont want a relationship solely based off of sex because neither of us will be happy in the end, and i dont want to just sleep around with every guy i like until i'm able to find someone who is willing to stay in a relationship because that will leave me feeling bad altogether... What am i doing wrong? I don't throw myself at every guy i like, I'm actively looking for a relationship but i'm not being completely obvious about it. It's painful because i'm the only person in my friend circle that's single and it's just painful having to be the third wheel in any sort of social situation.. Not to mention i'm tired of feeling lonely... I don't know what i'm doing wrong.. I’m currently only able to use apps or the internet to search and I’m using sites like A4A and Bear411.


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Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.