FA 086 Regret Sex

Introduction topic

Topic

What is sex regret?

  • Sex regret is when you regret having consensual sex with an individual (or a group) for various reasons:

    • It was unprotected

    • I slept with an ex

    • The sex wasn’t great

    • They want a relationship and I don’t

    • I don’t like one night stands

    • I cheated

  • Sex regret is not sexual assault

    • Sex regret is simply sex you did not enjoy for some reason

    • Sexual assault should be reported to the authorities and investigated so you can get the help and support that you need

Is sex regret after a one night stand normal?

  • Unsurprisingly yes

    • A vast majority of women regret having sex that doesn’t lead to a relationship

      • In a 2010 study, female freshman at a US university regretted hookup sex twice as much than romantic sex

      • In a separate 2012 study surveying both male and female university students, 78% of women regretted one night stands versus 72% of men

        • In this study, the men’s regrets were more closely tied to physical attributes, and the women’s regrets were more tied to emotional attributes

        • However, in cases where the quality of sex was reported as being high, there was almost no regret

        • Drug and alcohol use, as well as poor-quality sex, were tied to regret for both men and women surveyed

      • In an additional, larger scope study, it was determined that women are more likely to regret casual hookups as opposed to men, who regret not having casual hookups.

    • That being said, several studies have shown that in general both men and women have far more positive reactions than regret when it comes to hooking up.

  • The fact that one night stands tend to have more regrets than romantic sex should not come as a surprise

    • Romantic partners tend to know how to please one another and they have moved past the initial awkwardness

    • One night stands come with a plethora of unknowns:

      • Incompatible anatomies

      • Bad, awful, terrible sex

      • Disrespectful partners

      • Unprotected sex

      • Cheating

      • Bad hygiene

    • The more you hook up, the more likely you are to have sex with someone who you regret hooking up with the morning after

      • Human activities come with that sort of regret, and when we seek and crave novelty we invite regret as we discover that the experiences that we desired and sought after do not always meet up with our expectations

      • That being said, hooking up is not shameful nor should it be discouraged if done ethically (within relationship terms, etc…)

        • We discuss Hookup App Etiquette in an earlier episode here: https://www.feralattraction.com/podcasts/fa031

        • A good resource to see and learn more about other people’s casual sex experiences is http://casualsexproject.com/

How to move past sex regret

  • Decide whether or not if this is a person you’ll see again

    • If this is the case you might put the sex up to experience and learn from it rather than judge yourself harshly

  • If this is a person you’ll see again

    • Remember it is your choice who you have relationships with, and sex does not a relationship make. Be firm and up front about your feelings

    • If this is a friend, coworker, or casual acquaintance, and you decide you do not want to repeat the experience, explain that clearly so there is no misinterpretation

  • Take care of yourself

    • Showering can help you shake off feelings of grossness and it can relax you and calm some anxiety you might be feeling

    • It’s okay to cry, but it’s not best when you linger. Mistakes and regrets can frame excellent teaching/learning moments, but if you linger for too long it can cause you to beat yourself up which is not healthy at all

    • Don’t feel you need to talk to anyone/everyone about your experience. Share as you see fit, not as you think you should be expected to

    • If you are concerned about STIs, schedule a visit to your local clinic, GP, or Planned Parenthood to get a screening

 

Feedback

  • On the fictiophilia question from last week:

  • I realize that what I wrote could have easily been misconstrued, so that's on me. Though it might seem like I am trying to fix her problem, I am not. I'm letting her deal with it on her own, I know to do that much. As for it being a lie, we met online when she was reaching out to people for help with her fictophillia (frustrated with lack of sleep and slipping grades). Knowing it wouldn't be a good idea to get too involved, I gave her the equivalent of a pat on the back and we became friends. It was foolish of me to fall in love with her when I knew it could not be. Also, it was maybe just wishful thinking on my part when I said we could be happy together, when I knew full well there was no real way of telling.

  • Knowing this, I will take your advice and move on.

Question(s)

  • Subject: Cheated on

  • Question / Message / Feedback: So I just discovered that my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me, or I should say cheating WITH me because I appear to be the 3rd of at least 4 others he calls his bf. I've never been tricked for so long in my life I don't know what, when, or why. He doesn't know I know yet and I don't even know how to confront this.

Closer

  • Next week’s topic: Lifestyling

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Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.