FA 081 Underwear and Sex Party Etiquette

Introduction topic

  • Older Americans are cheating more on spouses

    • Older Americans are cheating on their spouses more than their younger counterparts, with 20 percent of married Americans over age 55 reporting they've engaged in extramarital sex. Just 14 percent of those under age 55 say they've cheated, according to Nicholas H. Wolfinger, a professor in the University of Utah's Department of Family and Consumer Studies.

    • Rates of extramarital sex by age have diverged since 2000, with increased cheating reported by people in their 50s and 60s, Wolfinger said. Most of these respondents were married between 20 years and 30 years.

    • But there may be more going on than lengthy marriages and midlife crises, he added. These older Americans also came of age in the wake of the sexual revolution and, over the course of their lifetimes, have had more sex partners compared to younger Americans.

    • Wolfinger observes that the General Social Survey asks respondents about extramarital sex, not explicitly cheating. This raises the possibility that the data reflect rising participation in polyamory or "ethical nonmonogamy," extramarital relationships conducted with the active permission of one's spouse.

    • "No matter how many polyamorists there are today, old-fashioned adultery seems to have risen among older Americans," Wolfinger said.


  • The basics

    • When?

      • Cons, moshes, private play parties, membership organization gatherings

    • Why?

      • Community building, fun, meeting people, sexual release, anonymity, escapism

    • How?

      • Joining membership organization, knowing the right people, telegram groups, hosting your own

  • Play Party Etiquette

    • Affirmative enthusiastic consent, but do realize attendance is pre-consent to certain activities (groping, for example)

      • If your relationship terms demand that you maintain certain boundaries, it's up to you to enforce those boundaries

        • loudly announcing that you're in a closed relationship at the beginning of a party and then getting majorly offended if anyone at the party so much as looks at you is not a recipe for success

    • "Dungeon Rules are in effect"

      • Play parties / underwear parties in the furry community often borrow heavily from traditions of the leather and swinger communities

      • Dungeon Rules: if you are not already part of a sexual scene that is ongoing, do not insert yourself into the scene or disrupt the scene unless you are intimately familiar with the participants and are absolutely certain your participation would be welcome. In many cases, it may be permissible to watch, so long as you remain unobtrusive.

      • Don't interrupt to ask if you can join or be obnoxious about it

        • if there is a natural lull in the action and your relatively confident your participation would be welcome but you aren't sure, now would be the time to ask "Hey, can I join you guys?" or "Would any of you like a little help?"

      • Don't cum in or on anyone without permission

      • Re-establish consent through verbal and/or nonverbal communication before escalating sexual activities, such as putting your hands in someone's underwear, removing their clothing, penetrating them in any way, kissing them, biting them, performing oral sex on them, etc.

      • Be aware some people are only willing to go so far in a group setting; if someone seems to be enjoying your company but resists escalating, you might consider offering to go somewhere a bit quieter

      • If you make a mess, clean it up. If it's beyond your capability to clean, tell the host and offer to help however you can. Ultimately, damages are your financial responsibility, even if it isn't your room or your property

    • Reading the room

      • Often, things stay PG13 for a while, then turn X after a certain time; this may or may not be explicit, but ask the host whether things are likely to turn yiffy, and, if so, when that might be.

      • Unless you're hosting or are very familiar with the expectations of a certain party, try not to be the first one to "go there"; the host might get upset if his or her party is pushed towards being sexual too fast

    • Try not to come to a party empty handed; a bottle of wine or liquor makes a good gift; otherwise, snacks and drink mixers are usually welcome

    • RSVP! If you aren't sure whether you or a friend is welcome, it's better to ask!


  • Hosting a good underwear / play party

    • Careful with the guest list

      • Private invite, RSVP, clear +1s in advance is a good policy

      • don't just invite people you'd get along with or like to fuck

      • keep in mind that your guests need to be able to get along and socialize with each other

    • Be very careful to indicate if a party is restricted to a particular gender or sexual orientation

      • Because many people assume sex in the fandom is male-male, some individuals forget to explicitly specify whether females are welcome

    • Enforce the rules of the party and try to look out for boundary violations

      • Don't overserve your guests

        • if someone becomes drunk to the point of vulnerability, see if someone trusted can escort the individual safely back to their own room, or at least back into public con space

        • Never leave a passed out or very drunk individual unguarded at a room party

          • this is a major sexual assault risk

      • If someone is rowdy, sexually inappropriate, or otherwise uncooperative, ask them to leave

      • If someone will not cooperate, don't be afraid to involve hotel security; you have ultimate say as to who is allowed in a room you have rented

    • If you offer a clothes check, make sure someone is guarding it

    • Provide safer sex supplies!

    • Establish safe words for the room (red, yellow)



  • Subject: How do I move beyond guilt?

    • Hello! A few years ago I helped an individual get close to some of my friends. I didn’t know that this guy was an abusive asshole, but he was. I can’t get over the fact that I enabled someone to hurt my friends, and while I did everything I could (immediately cut ties, call the police to see if they could help, etc…) I can’t stop feeling guilty over this. I feel like I betrayed my friends, even if they have forgiven me. What can I do to make amends?


  • Next week’s topic: Furry Sex! Yiff!

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          • He has recently published a short novel with Thurston Howl Press titled "The Pride of Parahumans", you can go check it out on Amazon

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Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.