Sex and Romance After Assault

 

Intro

 

  • Commercial brand of mouthwash can help kill off gonorrhea in the mouth

    • Daily use might be cheap and easy way of curbing spread of infection, say researchers

    • Research published in the journal Sexually Transmitted Infections

      • http://sti.bmj.com/content/early/2016/11/29/sextrans-2016-052753.full

    • Men using Listerine were 80% less likely to test positive for gonorrhoea in their throat five minutes after gargling than were the men using the saline solution.

    • After rinsing and gargling for 1 minute, the proportion of viable gonorrhoea in the throat was 52% among the men using Listerine compared with 84% among those using saline.

Topic

Learn To Trust

  • Trust Yourself

    • Your reactions after assault are valid and natural, and no two people experience the same reactions on the same time frame (or at all!)

    • Trust yourself in the fact that what happened was something out of your control, and you will recover

    • Trust yourself to seek help (especially professional help if you are capable of that)

    • Trust your feelings

      • Whatever you are feeling is okay; there is no need to experience guilt or shame

      • It is okay to have mixed emotions, to have felt some pleasure, and to have liked certain parts of what happened to you and still experience it as an assault

      • You do not need to feel bad that your body responded in a natural and self-defensive way to an assault

  • Trusting Others

    • Trust that your close friends have your best interests in mind, even if it is one of your former besties that harmed you

    • Trust that your friends will be patient and understanding as you heal

    • Trust that good exists in the world and that the people you willingly surround yourself with are also good

      • Accept their compliments when offered

    • Continue to try to assume good faith

      • Imagine yourself without fear, and consider taking the action that version of you would take

Relationships

  • Dating is already a vulnerable time, but dating after being assaulted can be an additional layer that needs to be examined

    • You need to be patient with other people, which requires a level of self-patience and understanding which can take time to come into

  • It’s okay if you are in a relationship and are assaulted (by someone you are not dating) to request your partner to hold off on sex or other contact that you find stressful for the time being

    • If your partner is the one who assaulted you, seek help as soon as it is safe to

    • It is important that you feel comfortable discussing these topics with your partner if you desire to stay with them long term. While it does not have to be immediate (your partner needs to be equally as patient with you as you are learning to be with yourself), understand that this information will be helpful in the long run, so talk about it when you are comfortable

    • In order for sex to be enjoyable for most, certain foundations are required (understanding your likes and dislikes, being more focused on pleasure than performance, communication, being assertive about your own pleasure and desire, responding to your partner’s pleasure and desire, and appreciating your partner as a sexual partner). During a time of healing, the above points may not be so achievable. Be patient with yourself during that time.

  • If you want to be sexual, understand that it can take time for you to fully become comfortable with sex and physical contact

    • It helps to view the positives of sexual energy, as being a choice, mutual, having boundaries, and sharing part of who you are with someone else. By keeping that in mind, it can help you move past the pain of abuse

    • Make sure your partner is aware of the facts and consider the following:

      • Making sure no ‘scene’ or behavior mimics that of your abuser

      • Any sensitive areas, positions, touches, smells, or sounds that you might find to trigger negative reactions

      • Make moving slow a priority in order to cultivate safety and choice, as well as allowing you to become re-acquainted with your body during a time of healing.

  • Remember, sex is not assault. If you continue to have issues, sex therapy (as well as standard counselling) can be instrumental in giving you the tools to regain control of your sexual agency

Question(s)

  • Subject: My mate is suicidal; what do I do?

    • "Question / Message / Feedback: Hey there feralattraction. My mate and I have been together for almost 3 years. Currently we have to live in his parents house which can be very bad for him (he has ptsd and sever depression). He's taking medicine to help with them and also medicine to help quit smoking. Well anyway, last night he tried to kill himself. Its the 3rd time since I've moved here that he's done it. Often times I feel I'm the cause for it (I would assume anyone would think the same). I don't want to go into details as to how he tried to end it, but lets just say whenever I found this out this morning I went into a very bad mood. I've only said one thing to him since that, ""I'm really disappointed and hurt that you would do that"" my words. I feel like its just getting worse and worse, I have no idea how to help him. He currently sees a behavior therapist about every 3 or so weeks and a psychologist every month. If you have any advice to help me that would be very much appreciated. I don't want to lose him..but I'm at my breaking point to where I want to just end the relationship because of him trying so many times since I've moved here.

Closer

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Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.