FA 056 Rebuilding Trust (After Betrayal)

Feral  Attraction
Episode 056 - Rebuilding Trust 02/01

Introduction topic

  • Poppers, Eye Damage and Maculopathy (http://www.trikoot.net/2017/01/poppers-eye-damage-and-maculopathy)

    • “Poppers are a street name for a group of chemicals better known as alkyl nitrites. They originally came into medicine in the form of amyl nitrite, which was discovered to have a potent capability to expand blood vessels. This feature found use in the treatment of angina pectoris, a particular kind of chest pain resulting from narrowing of the blood vessels of the heart.”

    • “...all poppers cause a chemical called nitric oxide to be released into the bloodstream, which causes a rapid expansion of blood vessels, a drop in blood pressure, and an euphoric feeling we all love.”

    • “Very unfortunately, nitric oxide has another effect on the human body. It interferes with a special enzyme in the human body (guanylyl cyclase), which is responsible for a lot of things. One thing it is responsible is the controlling how the retina in the eye adjusts to light, although this effect is not completely understood yet. Nitric oxide has been linked to excessive light causing damage to the eye, and specifically blocking the effect of nitric oxide has been shown to protect the eye from light damage.”

    • “It is also a possibility that simultaneous use of certain erectile dysfunction drugs (such as Viagra), and/or HIV medication adds to the mechanism causing the eye damage because of how the human body metabolizes those drugs.”

Topic

Upon Discovery or Disclosure

  • If you are the one who made a mistake:

    • Take responsibility for your actions (if you are the one who broke trust)

      • Don’t tell half-truths, or leave out other betrayals, because if those get discovered the hurt will be that much more amplified

        • If you don’t admit all of your mistakes, you will never truly be forgiven

    • Consider their feelings (empathize with them)

      • If they yell, cry, or have an emotional outburst, think about how you would feel in their position. Be there for them and allow them to express their feelings

    • Apologize

      • Do not try to rationalize or justify your actions. You can provide context, but you can not excuse yourself from what you did

      • Let them know what you are apologizing for. Sometimes saying what it is you are sorry for goes further than just a blanket apology

        • Keep description short; you don’t need more than 5 words

          • “When I slept with your friend…”

      • Don’t apologize out of pity for your partner or to get out of being held accountable

        • You need to mean it

        • Empty words to make your partner feel better extend the betrayal

  • If you are the one who was betrayed:

    • Assess the situation

      • Is this the first time your partner has lied to/betrayed you? If not was it a similar situation the last time it happened?

      • Does this violate an emotional boundary or your integrity. If so, is this a hard line that you would feel uncomfortable in continuing the relationship?

      • Is the relationship worth fighting for if your partner has made a pattern of similar mistakes?

    • Assess their reaction

      • Does your mate seem genuinely upset, or are they just upset at being caught?

      • Are they willing to listen, or do they just deflect blame and refuse to engage in the conversation?

      • Do they seem upset at the fact that they hurt you, or does it seem like they are just paying lip service?

    • Assess yourself

      • Do you want this relationship to continue? Are there areas that you might need to compromise on to make your relationship healthier?

      • Is there a possible area where you can improve in a relationship (communication wise?) to ensure that your partner feels comfortable expressing their wants before they violate the relationship terms?

After Discovery, or why I learned to stop fearing confrontation and love apologies:

  • Be patient

    • Rebuilding trust takes weeks, if not months. It is important that you give yourself enough time to allow the healing to happen

    • Never pressure your mate to show you “more trust”, especially if you are the party who violated trust

    • Understand that things might be different after the fact, and that it is okay for relationship dynamics to change in the short run

  • Keep each other accountable

    • Allow for heightened transparency, especially in regard to online activity or presence

      • If at a convention, maybe sending pictures or snapchats of where you are if asked is a solution

      • Maybe allow your mate to look at your telegram messages or your twitter DMs for them to feel comfortable

      • Make sure there are clear time limits before check ins happen where you and your partner(s) evaluate trust levels and determine whether any compromises of autonomy/privacy are still necessary to ensure a sense of safety and security in the relationship

  • Express yourself

    • Never be afraid to share your feelings. Chances are, a failure to communicate is one of the many reasons betrayal happened

    • Be open and honest with one another-- remember, the difficult things to talk about are often the most essential in a relationship

  • Let go of your anger

    • It should be your goal to move past your initial anger and bitterness.

    • If your partner continues to act in ways that upset you, communicate it

      • If it’s due to your own internal issues, make sure you communicate those as well. Your partner may not be to blame for pre-existing baggage that you came into the relationship with

  • Set realistic expectations

    • Just like relationships will never be equal, they also will never be 100% happy 100% of the time

      • Treat your partner with fair, realistic expectations, and have them do the same for you

    • All long term relationships require a certain capacity for forgiveness and compassion for your mates’ mistakes, with the understanding that your mates will show you the same consideration when you make a mistake

  • Accept their love

    • If they have apologized and you are moving forward in the relationship, treat the love they extend to you as genuine and do not demand for new, difficult ways for them to express their affection to you

    • Avoid relationship tests or demanding that your mate prove his or her devotion to you

      • Don’t withhold sex in a punitive fashion (especially as part of a test)

Question(s)

  • Subject: I think I’m in love with my best friend. Am I?

I need some help please if you are able to answer that is. I'm a female furry and I never really experienced love. My best friend loves me and I'm not sure about my feelings towards him. When I daydream or fantasize at night, which mostly are arousing, he is always there. He takes over my head a lot of the time. I know this isn't some silly crush, but sometimes I get this fuzzy feeling when I think about him or when he randomly pops into my head. My previous mate NEVER said anything like my friend said about me to his pal. My ex only said I was excellent, whereas my friend said I was his guardian skunky angel that guides him and that he doesn't want anyone else cause there's no one else like me. And there is a LOT more...but I don't know if this is love? When I was with my previous mate, it never felt real or like love. It felt more like my normal friend convo and I just couldn't anymore. But now my friend is here and I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Is it love for sure?

 

Closer

  • Next week’s topic: Sex and Romance After Previous Assault

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Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.