FA 055 Self-Care during Jealousy and Breakups

Feral  Attraction
Episode 055 - Self-Care (during Jealousy and Breakups) 01/25

Introduction topic

  • In the Age of Swiping, is There Still a ‘Right’ Number of Sexual Partners? | Playboy - Debra Soh

  • “The study involved 188 heterosexual participants aged 18 to 35, roughly half of whom were male, recruited through ads on UK social media and from Swansea University in Wales. The researchers were curious about how someone’s sexual history affects their attractiveness; basically, does your number of past sexual partners make someone more or less interested in you?”

  • “...men and women were more willing to get involved with someone who had two past partners and less interested in getting involved if the person had more—or fewer...”

  • “...average number of actual past partners people in the study had—around eight for men and six for women—was higher than what the opposite sex had decided was ideal for long-term commitment...”

Topic

Jealousy

  • Do something that your partner wouldn’t enjoy, like seeing a baseball game or playing the new Resident Evil game

  • Stop judging yourself for feeling jealous and, instead, focus on moving past it to a state of compersion

    • It’s okay to analyze why you feel jealous and to identify what triggered your jealousy, but feeling guilty about being jealous isn’t okay

  • Make a plan to communicate your feelings to your partner: if not now, then after they are done with whatever activity is making you jealous

  • Resist the urge to vent about your partner to mutual friends; you might not feel the same way once your partner returns, and you could do a lot of damage to your partner’s reputation in the meantime

  • Consider planning a romantic date or getaway with the mate who is making you jealous so that you have concrete plans to re-establish intimacy and confirm to yourself that your mate is still sexually and romantically invested in you

Breakup

  • Immediately return important items (or even small items) that your ex gave you, unless they specify that you can keep them, particularly if you received them very recently and/or they are very expensive

    • Enlist a mutual friend if it the terms of seeing each other are not positive

  • Avoid their social media / communicating with them

    • Sometimes a break from Facebook or Twitter entirely can be called for

    • Block them until your negative feelings cool if necessary; even if it is possible to establish a friendship, you will likely need a cooling off period

  • Do something creative for yourself

    • Creative works, like drawing, or writing, or even building something out of Lego can go a long way in helping you progress and give yourself a feeling of success

  • Do laundry and clean the house

    • Seriously. If your clothes or if your house smells like your ex, you’re going to be oddly miserable. Also it can be cathartic: a clean house and clean clothes help promote a clean outlook on the future

  • Go to the gym or do some form of physical exercise

    • Exercising releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy. Plus you can harness your feelings in a healthy fashion

  • Treat. Yo. Self. (in moderation)

    • Don’t feel the need to binge eat or go on shopping sprees, but if having some ice cream helps, then treat yo’self. Pamper yourself, but within reason.

  • Focus on friends and other platonic relationships

    • Find comfort in those that surround you, but don’t use them as a crutch or just as a group to join you in misery. Move, go, do, and explore: the more activity and action in your life, the sooner you’ll recover

    • Friends are often happy to support you in the early stages of a breakup, but don’t wear out their goodwill by dwelling on nothing but negativity surrounding the break up for an extended period of time

  • Avoid things that defined the relationship (music, movies, games, etc…)

  • Give yourself a deadline to move on and hold yourself to it

    • You can continue to mourn the loss of the relationship, but do so as you move on, not instead of moving on

  • “Best way to get over someone is to get under someone”

    • Seeking a rebound relationship can be healthy so long as you are self-aware and disclose to potential partners that you are in a recovery/exploratory phase and not necessarily looking for a serious relationship

Question(s)

  • Subject: I just found out my close friend loves me! But I’m not sure how to feel about this!?

    • Question / Message / Feedback: I met this guy over an app, our friendship grew, and now it has been 6-7 months. I know it doesn't seem long but he’s the best friend a girl could ask for. He's nearing his last year at college and I’m nearing the end of my school getting ready for college. We do sexual RP as a joke and a laugh from time to time but when we do we get a little out of hand with it. But lately, his friend keeps messaging me and tells me that he can’t stop thinking about me and he has to try and control him. I found it funny at first on what he said but then he showed screenshots of all the things he said about me. I was shocked but very touched as my previous mate never said anything like that to me. It hasn’t yet been a long-term friendship but I can’t stop thinking about it. My parents don't really like me being a furry but they are coming to terms with it, but if I do go out with him, I know they definitely will hate the idea of me having a long-term relationship with him. That's why if we do I’ll keep it a secret till the time is right. but I honestly don't know how to feel about it given that the sudden fantasies I get are quite arousing, but I’ve never had a long-term relationship. I’m having mixed feelings about it all but the more things I hear about him, I just get a fluttered feeling, but then I am overcome by worry and unsure. I’d really like if I could get your opinions on what you would do in this situation please! Thank you.

Closer

  • Next week’s topic: Rebuilding Trust (after a betrayal, affair, etc.)

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Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.