FA 049 Sex Drive Mismatches

Introduction topic

  • Expert Sex Therapists Have Stopped Labeling Sex Addiction as a Disorder. Here’s Why

    • Debra W. Soh

  • "[Two weeks ago], the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) issued—for the first time ever—a statement saying it does not support sex addiction as a mental health disorder."

    • AASECT’s statement says sex addiction approaches lack “sufficient empirical evidence” and are “[inadequately] informed by accurate human sexuality knowledge.”

    • “The position statement does not make a comment about […] usefulness of the metaphor of addiction for revealing, describing or finding hope for change.” In other words, while the group’s position doesn’t deny that out-of-control sexual behavior is real, or that it can cause serious distress, impairment and harm to an individual, based on the available research and the opinions of many expert AASECT therapists, it does not believe that operating from a sex addiction-therapeutic model is helpful."

  • "American Psychiatric Association doesn’t recognize hypersexual disorder as a medical diagnosis."

  • "From a neuroscientific perspective, drug and alcohol addictions show up as long-term changes to a reliable brain network that is involved in reward, emotion and motivation. There have yet to be any well-designed studies showing that those suffering from excessive sexual behaviors showcase similar changes in their brains, however. While dopamine, arguably the most famous neurotransmitter, often gets singled out and accused of reinforcing the pleasurable aspects of problematic sex, the truth is that the brain releases dopamine in a lot of different contexts—including when monkeys are given a sip of juice or when grad students come across free food at a public event. Labeling the release of dopamine as evidence of sex addiction would then require us to conclude that monkeys can be addicted to juice and graduate students can be addicted to free cookies."

  • Solutions: be more open with your sexual needs, consider open relationships, don’t feel shame about having a sex drive (even if it is average or below average).


Advice for lower-libido partner

  • Maintenance sex vs. enthusiastic sex

  • A lower-libido partner needs to try to make an effort at having maintenance sex even when he isn't horny

    • Doesn’t mean bottoming for rough sex every time

      • Sensual touch and cuddling during masturbation

      • Oral sex

      • Intercrural sex / hotdogging

      • Dirty talk while partner paws

      • Masturbation and oral sex tend to be relatively low impact mechanically, and they don't require that the partner who isn't in the mood climax.

  • Avoid telling your mate to just go paw off

    • Pawing off when what you're really craving is sexual intimacy with your partner can feel deeply dissatisfying.

Advice for higher-libido partner

  • high libido partner needs to learn how to settle for maintenance sex sometimes

  • If you're a top with a really high libido and you're in an exclusive relationship with a lower libido bottom, you will at least have to get used to the idea of not getting to top every time you're horny.

  • Higher libido partner shouldn't expect his lower libido partner to cum just because he feels a need to!

  • If what you really are craving is enthusiastic sex, and maintenance sex just doesn't feel like enough right at that moment, you might try to get your partner in the mood.

    • Viewing porn together, particularly porn in the style your partner likes, might be one strategy.

    • You could also send your partner a link to an erotic / yiffy story that features kinks you know your partner is into.

    • Doing some shared storytelling or roleplay with your partner might also get him more in the mood.

  • Sometimes, your lower libido partner won't even be up for maintenance sex, and that's totally okay!

    • Don't pressure your partner into being sexual with you if he's too tired, stressed, angry, or emotional to engage with you.

    • Having any kind of sex under that kind of duress can be incredibly psychologically traumatizing

  • A strategy you can take with your lower libido partner in the long term might be to ask that he not paw himself off as much or at all

    • Save climaxing for partnered sexual activity, if lower libido partner is willing

    • If erotic denial arouses your partner, consider not even allowing them to finish every time during partnered sex

Non-monogamy options

  • Monogamish or open relationship can offer more sexual relief for higher libido partner

  • Do keep in mind that people are not interchangeable

    • Higher libido partner will still crave sex with *each* partner

    • You can’t sate a craving for one partner with another partner

  • Online RP or D/s may enhance pawing off, but make sure your partner knows what is going on and is okay with it


  • What do twinks look for in an older friend with benefits?

    • I am a gay 33-year old guy, about average weight and height, in an open relationship with my male partner who is a 34-year old nerdy twink.  We are allowed to seek out friends with benefits, and I absolutely love twinks (and "otters").  In the last 5 years, I've taken a liking to being more health-conscious and shaping up my body.  I've also learned to embrace my "baby face", and I shave, and dress younger -- I am often mistaken for 5-10 years younger.  My partner is a chubby chaser, so he tends to like bigger guys, which is what I used to be when we first met 8 years ago. Other than my partner, I have had very little success in finding twink friends with benefits over the last 5+ years.  My question is: What do twinks (especially in the furry fandom) tend to look for in a friend with benefits?  Based on my experiences, twinks I've talked to either come off as "too cool" to hang around "average" ol' me; or they're already so popular that they just don't have time to spend with me; or they only want a relationship; or they're already taken due to their hotness; or they often say they only want anal, which I am not into (I'm a cuddles guy); or they are not interested in chatting as much as I am; or they just flat out go silent and ignore me after I try to reach out (my most common case, sadly). Having seen you guys plus Leo and Rhythm hosting at MFF (a group of 4 handsome guys, imo), it has been my experience that it seems like most often, twinks only stick to other twinks (unless they're "chasers").  As such, I feel left out because I'm not *quite* a twink, at 190 pounds - nor am I a "chub" like I used to be when I first met my partner. Meanwhile, I have had plenty of friends with benefits who are more "average" or chubby, some of whom think I am hot sh!t.  While I *am* flattered by this, I'm getting tired of "settling for less" than I really want, since I am not truly attracted to these body types.  However, it feel like finding a twink friend with benefits, even in the furry fandom, is like trying to find a dream job -- seemingly "everyone" wants them, and competition is stiff (no pun intended). So, would either of you guys be able to speak from experience on the matter?  Sorry in advance if this question comes off as creepy or does not fit the site, but I'm at a loss for who to ask about this...  I also hate that I feel so shallow when I talk about liking twinks, but it's what I'm attracted to!


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Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.