FA 046 Monogamy

Feral  Attraction
Episode 046 - Monogamy 11/23

Introduction topic

  • The Best Headspace for Making Decisions

    • OLGA KHAZAN  SEP 19, 2016, The Atlantic

  • Neither anger nor happiness allow for you to make the best choices for large decisions

    • “Going with your gut”/”doing what feels right” is not always the best because your gut/feeling is never set and is always in flux. What feels right currently may not feel right five minutes from now

    • People that are angry are more likely to put blame on individuals rather than circumstances. They’re more rash and less likely to minimize any risks that they undertake.

Main Topic

The Benefits of Mutual Monogamy

  • Social Acceptability

    • Rubin’s Charmed Circle (from Gayle Rubin’s 1984 essay “Thinking Sex”)

      • Sexuality within the inner ring of the circle is viewed as being good/wholesome, with married-procreating-heterosexual relationships viewed as the “most good”.

      • Sex and relationships can be viewed in such a way as hierarchical, regardless of religious/political affiliation

    • Easier to talk to your parents about, and easier for them to accept

    • Many people will questions your relationship validity due to a societally imposed binary

      • If not single, then in a committed relationship with one person; it is not possible to be committed to more than one person

  • Security

    • Marriage, legal protections, etc… are more plausible when in a mutually monogamous relationship; as it stands it is difficult/near impossible to get legal standing for polyamorous relationships

    • Having someone you can come home to, that makes you their number one priority and isn’t beholden to other partners, can be comforting in times of stress and need

  • Intimacy

    • Being with one person over a long period of time helps you learn what they like, what they think, and what they might want to do, both sexually and generally

    • The more shared experiences one has with another, the closer the bond between them can become

  • (Potentially) reduced exposure to STIs

    • Monogamy can offer reduced exposure to STIs in ethically monogamous relationships; however, the incidence of cheating is high

      • As many as 50% of supposedly monogamous relationships contain cheating

      • Cheaters often fail to use protection or have sex safely, which increases risk

        • The Partner Study

The Issues with Mutual Monogamy

  • When it isn’t as mutual as you thought

    • Have boundaries, not demands

      • Demands do not allow for conversation and promote betrayal and secrecy

  • Potential for the relationship to grow stale

    • Intimacy vs Desirability

    • Free love (not the hippy shit, the actual shit)

  • Lack of sexual fulfillment

    • Sex not happening as often as you would like

    • Sexual kinks not being explored due to a lack of mutual interest

  • Serial Monogamy

    • Chase that NRE (New Relationship Energy)

    • Monogamy needs to be chosen; it isn’t necessarily a natural fit for many people

      • https://www.amazon.com/Myth-Monogamy-Fidelity-Infidelity-Animals/dp/0805071369

  • Total Codependency

    • Some couples lose a sense of self and become fully relationship oriented, to the extent that all friend groups must be shared and social events must be attended together

    • Emotional reliance is healthy, in that you have a partner in crime to confide in. Emotional dependence is unhealthy as it forces you to be entirely dependent on your partner. Another issue comes when you believe yourself to be the emotional owner of your partner, and that they must come to you first with all problems

    • Codependent relationships can become abusive

      • Feeling that one cannot leave their partner, which means that boundaries get crossed and integrity gets compromised

How to manage monogamy in the furry fandom

  • Monogamy and AD twitter / Telegram

    • Have clear boundaries and expectations about what levels of flirting are permissible

    • Be prepared to compromise

      • Mentions are ok, but DMs are not? etc.

  • Monogamy and fur cons

    • Decide how much alone/together time you each want and expect and work with each other’s expectations

    • Try to strike a balance between having shared experiences and individual ones

  • Monogamy and room parties

    • Be very clear about boundaries and expectations with host and the host’s other guests

    • Be prepared for some people to make incorrect non-monogamous assumptions

      • you need to be able to express boundaries gracefully without fearing having to reject someone

    • Be aware of environmental expectations, e.g. at an underwear party

      • If someone makes a non-monogamous assumption and makes an advance on your partner, try not to get angry at your partner for “leading the person on” “wanting it” or “liking it” or “getting excited”

    • Trust your partner to say no; try not to come across as overbearing or controlling. Stay polite and assume good intent!

Question(s)

  • I’m in a closed relationship; how do I become okay with having a threesome?

    • Question / Message / Feedback: So my mate who I was so very lucky to find out she's a closet fur and just learning what it means to be one, were showering one afternoon. Well we had a discussion about what furries are and I was explaining it wasn't all rampant sex and orgies like we are made out to be. She said she liked the idea of a threesome and we are in a closed relationship as they say. Well I'm very torn apart by the whole idea, we are both be and open to a lot of things but the part that bothers me is she generally likes women more than men but she really loves me which is why we got together. I'm very concerned she would get a taste of another girl or guy and leave me but I'm also feeling like as much love and passion as we have had I'd have a hard time allowing myself to have sex with another even if it is all of us at once. I don't want to loose her but I want to try new things. Please please help me if you can.

  • How do I handle my feelings for my furry Master?

    • Question / Message / Feedback: Listen I don't know how to put this into words but my problem is I love my furry master and wanted to ask him out when he wasn't dating anyone but when I had to the courage to ask it was to late :c so I kept going on being his pet without expressing my emotions properly I end up hurting him and ends up hurting me as well. So I locked my heart up and wore a mask to hide my true self from him but now that he's coming over and I feel like I should take it off and tell him but last night I did and I feel like I just did something horrible I'm nervous about what he's going to say because he hasn't read the message yet and I can't delete it because it's on Facebook and I don't know what to do or feel can you guys help me?

Closer

  • Next week’s topic: Explaining Relationships to Family and Friends

  • Contact info

  • Other business

    • Patreon Plugs
      • Snares!

        • For amazing commissions by Snares, visit furaffinity.net/user/furious

        • patreon.com/snares for Meatier Showers

      • Zarpaulus!

        • If you're a fan of furry in high-tech sci-fi stories you might be interested in the Para-Imperium universe by Zarpaulus (www.paraimperium.wordpress.com).

        • Para-Imperium is about a race of created human-animal hybrids, called “Parahumans”, who rebel against their creators and then go about creating a legacy for themselves amongst the stars.

        • If you’re a fan of speculative-fiction, science fiction, or Starcraft you might enjoy Zarpaulus’s writing! Give it a look and consider becoming a patron of theirs at https://www.patreon.com/Zarpaulus

Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.