Episode 046 - Monogamy 11/23
OLGA KHAZAN SEP 19, 2016, The Atlantic
Neither anger nor happiness allow for you to make the best choices for large decisions
“Going with your gut”/”doing what feels right” is not always the best because your gut/feeling is never set and is always in flux. What feels right currently may not feel right five minutes from now
People that are angry are more likely to put blame on individuals rather than circumstances. They’re more rash and less likely to minimize any risks that they undertake.
The Benefits of Mutual Monogamy
Rubin’s Charmed Circle (from Gayle Rubin’s 1984 essay “Thinking Sex”)
Sexuality within the inner ring of the circle is viewed as being good/wholesome, with married-procreating-heterosexual relationships viewed as the “most good”.
Sex and relationships can be viewed in such a way as hierarchical, regardless of religious/political affiliation
Easier to talk to your parents about, and easier for them to accept
Many people will questions your relationship validity due to a societally imposed binary
If not single, then in a committed relationship with one person; it is not possible to be committed to more than one person
Marriage, legal protections, etc… are more plausible when in a mutually monogamous relationship; as it stands it is difficult/near impossible to get legal standing for polyamorous relationships
Having someone you can come home to, that makes you their number one priority and isn’t beholden to other partners, can be comforting in times of stress and need
Being with one person over a long period of time helps you learn what they like, what they think, and what they might want to do, both sexually and generally
The more shared experiences one has with another, the closer the bond between them can become
(Potentially) reduced exposure to STIs
Monogamy can offer reduced exposure to STIs in ethically monogamous relationships; however, the incidence of cheating is high
As many as 50% of supposedly monogamous relationships contain cheating
Cheaters often fail to use protection or have sex safely, which increases risk
The Partner Study
The Issues with Mutual Monogamy
When it isn’t as mutual as you thought
Have boundaries, not demands
Demands do not allow for conversation and promote betrayal and secrecy
Potential for the relationship to grow stale
Intimacy vs Desirability
Free love (not the hippy shit, the actual shit)
Lack of sexual fulfillment
Sex not happening as often as you would like
Sexual kinks not being explored due to a lack of mutual interest
Chase that NRE (New Relationship Energy)
Monogamy needs to be chosen; it isn’t necessarily a natural fit for many people
Some couples lose a sense of self and become fully relationship oriented, to the extent that all friend groups must be shared and social events must be attended together
Emotional reliance is healthy, in that you have a partner in crime to confide in. Emotional dependence is unhealthy as it forces you to be entirely dependent on your partner. Another issue comes when you believe yourself to be the emotional owner of your partner, and that they must come to you first with all problems
Codependent relationships can become abusive
Feeling that one cannot leave their partner, which means that boundaries get crossed and integrity gets compromised
How to manage monogamy in the furry fandom
Monogamy and AD twitter / Telegram
Have clear boundaries and expectations about what levels of flirting are permissible
Be prepared to compromise
Mentions are ok, but DMs are not? etc.
Monogamy and fur cons
Decide how much alone/together time you each want and expect and work with each other’s expectations
Try to strike a balance between having shared experiences and individual ones
Monogamy and room parties
Be very clear about boundaries and expectations with host and the host’s other guests
Be prepared for some people to make incorrect non-monogamous assumptions
you need to be able to express boundaries gracefully without fearing having to reject someone
Be aware of environmental expectations, e.g. at an underwear party
If someone makes a non-monogamous assumption and makes an advance on your partner, try not to get angry at your partner for “leading the person on” “wanting it” or “liking it” or “getting excited”
Trust your partner to say no; try not to come across as overbearing or controlling. Stay polite and assume good intent!
I’m in a closed relationship; how do I become okay with having a threesome?
Question / Message / Feedback: So my mate who I was so very lucky to find out she's a closet fur and just learning what it means to be one, were showering one afternoon. Well we had a discussion about what furries are and I was explaining it wasn't all rampant sex and orgies like we are made out to be. She said she liked the idea of a threesome and we are in a closed relationship as they say. Well I'm very torn apart by the whole idea, we are both be and open to a lot of things but the part that bothers me is she generally likes women more than men but she really loves me which is why we got together. I'm very concerned she would get a taste of another girl or guy and leave me but I'm also feeling like as much love and passion as we have had I'd have a hard time allowing myself to have sex with another even if it is all of us at once. I don't want to loose her but I want to try new things. Please please help me if you can.
How do I handle my feelings for my furry Master?
Question / Message / Feedback: Listen I don't know how to put this into words but my problem is I love my furry master and wanted to ask him out when he wasn't dating anyone but when I had to the courage to ask it was to late :c so I kept going on being his pet without expressing my emotions properly I end up hurting him and ends up hurting me as well. So I locked my heart up and wore a mask to hide my true self from him but now that he's coming over and I feel like I should take it off and tell him but last night I did and I feel like I just did something horrible I'm nervous about what he's going to say because he hasn't read the message yet and I can't delete it because it's on Facebook and I don't know what to do or feel can you guys help me?
Next week’s topic: Explaining Relationships to Family and Friends
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