FA 040 Boundaries vs Rules

Feral  Attraction
Episode 040 - Boundaries vs Rules 10/12


  • 3 Insights About Kinky and Nonmonogamous Sex

    • Debra Soh

  • (1) Swingers don’t get more STIs than everyone else

    • Nonmonogamous people are more likely to engage in safe-sex practices, such as discussing their sexual history and being tested for STIs (roughly 78 percent compared to 69 percent of monogamous folk).

    • When engaging with other partners sexually, nonmonogamous people are also less likely to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol — substances that can impair one’s judgment and lead to high-risk (or condomless) sex.

    • Many monogamous individuals forego the usage of condoms or other safe-sex practices once they decide to be exclusive. There is also less of a tendency to discuss sexual history.

    • Non-consensual polyamory in monogamous relationships also happen with a lack of disclosure, which can also aid in the spread of STIs, especially if there is no protection used.

  • (2) Consensual non-monogamy and kink are far more common than you might expect

    • Using two nationally representative samples consisting of 4,813 and 3,905 people, respectively, the first large-scale study on the prevalence of consensual non-monogamy found that more than one in five Americans (about 21 percent) have engaged in consensual non-monogamy at one point in their lives

      • https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27096488

      • Prevalence did, however, vary by gender and sexual orientation — non-monogamy was more common among straight men as compared to straight women, and among individuals who identified as gay, lesbian, or bisexual as opposed to straight.

    • With regards to kink, another study, recently published out of the University of Quebec in Canada by Drs. Christian Joyal and Julie Carpentier, found that close to half of its sample reported at least one paraphilic interest (that is, an atypical sexual interest — they range from transvestism (or cross-dressing) to urophilia, which is a sexual interest in urine) and about one-third had engaged in paraphilic behaviour at least once.

    • Many individuals who identify them as poly oriented also identify themselves as kink oriented.

  • (3) Monogamy is viewed as preferable to non-monogamy, even by those in nonmonogamous relationships

    • Studies in social psychology have documented a “halo effect” surrounding monogamy: People rate monogamous relationships more favorably across a whole host of qualities, including social acceptance, comfort, respect, intimacy, honesty, and morality, even if they, themselves, are part of a nonmonogamous relationship.



  • Rules for one’s self

    • Integrity protection

  • Rules for one’s mate(s)

  • Rules for one’s metamour(s)

  • The problem with rules

    • Rules are made to be broken

    • Rules incentivize a partner to lie to you and downplay

      • May interfere with your ability to maintain informed consent

    • Rules create fences around landmines, rather than disarming the mines

      • Underlying emotional needs remain unaddressed

      • Perpetuates being motivated by fear

      • Little opportunity for empathy if reason for rule is not explained

        • Mates may follow the letter of the law, but not the spirit

  • Where might rules for others work?

    • After a betrayal (temporary)

    • Power exchange


  • Rules with automatic consequences

  • When are ultimatums appropriate?

    • Very selectively

    • Often, by the time an ultimatum is necessary, the relationship is already moribund

    • Incentivize lying and deceit even more than rules do, particularly if the consequences are dire (such as breakup)

    • Use them only when you really mean them, and make sure there is a very good reason


  • Personal boundaries

  • Emotional boundaries

  • Relationship boundaries

  • What is so great about boundaries?

    • They inspire empathy as explain the rationale for the boundary

    • “I truly value specialness in our relationship, and I view kissing someone on the lips as a highly intimate and special activity that I prefer only be shared among primary partners in a relationship; therefore, I strongly prefer if we reserve kissing to be between each other”

      • Compare to rule : “We only kiss each other.”

      • Compare to ultimatum : “If you ever kiss someone else, I’m leaving you.”


  • My mate and I have been together for a long time in a polyamorous relationship, in which I am one part of a “V” and my mate is the hinge. We were never very hierarchical before, but now my mate and his other mate are moving in together, and I am not sure how to process what I feel. Even though my mate tells me I am still equally important to him, I can’t help but feel I’m going to be demoted to being a secondary partner now that the two of them are going to be living together. How should I be processing these feelings?

    • Received via Telegram (name withheld)

Patreon Plug

  • Meatier Showers

    • patreon.com/snares

    • It's a romantic comedy of epic proportions, and the misadventures of a group of friends who hand out at a gay bathhouse called, "Meatier Showers". The cast features a couple of heavily muscled dudes, and the Patreon series explores various kinds of muscle fetishes such as growth and inflation.


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Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.