FA 036 Envy vs Jealousy

Feral  Attraction
Episode 036 - Envy vs Jealousy 09/13

Intro

  • "Selfless people have more sex, study finds

    • "This study is the first to show that altruism may translate into real mating success in Western populations, that altruists have more mates than non-altruists," said Pat Barclay, a U of G psychology professor who worked on the study with lead author Prof. Steven Arnocky from Nipissing.

    • The researchers interviewed about 800 people regarding their relationships and propensity for helping others, including giving to charity, donating blood, helping strangers cross the street, donating winnings and helping classmates, among other things.

      • Even after controlling for age and personality, altruists were found to have greater success at dating and sex.

      • However, "it's a more effective signal for men than for women," Barclay said. The study found that while altruism is a desirable quality among both genders, it affects men's lifetime dating and sex partners more than women's.

    • The researchers suggest expanding the study to include a wider array of variables such as relationship length and partner quality.

      • "Also, given the importance we place on attractiveness, resources and intelligence, it would be worthwhile to explore how individuals 'trade-off' altruism against other desirable qualities," Arnocky said.

 

Jealousy

  • Warning light in your car; it is the symptom of a problem, pointing to an underlying fear
  • In romantic relationships, fear is often fear of losing a partner
    • Fear of losing partner to someone else
    • Fear of losing sense of specialness with partner
    • Fear of partner falling more in love with someone else
    • Fear of being alone when you need your partner
  • How to address
    • Don’t keep it a secret; jealousy is not a dirty word
    • Your partner can’t reassure you if he or she doesn’t know what emotions you are experiencing
    • Take yes for an answer from your partner
    • Accept that your partner wants to be with you for you, and the unique qualities that you offer
    • Practice self care

 

Envy

  • Wanting with your partner what someone else is getting
  • Wanting with metamour what your mate is getting    
  • How to address
  • Remember give and take
    • Try to have special occasions with your partner
    • Let your partner know how you are feeling and enable him or her to reassure you and offer to meet your emotional needs
    • Practice self care

FOMO

  • Fear Of Missing Out
  • How to Address
    • Remember that there will always be another X, whether X is a party, a date, a relationship, a con, etc.
    • Don’t stress over the things you don’t have; work to achieve the things that you want in your life in the future
    • If you know you are susceptible to FOMO, be careful not to engage in excessive social media interaction with those who are engaging in activities you are envious of
    • Maintain a healthy Emotional Bandwidth

Question(s)

  • Question / Message / Feedback: Hello! I recently met someone instantly clicked and became really good friends - We've known each for for around a year. But three months ago I began having feelings for him. My main problem is that we always wrote rather flirtingly to each other and made jokes about how we were a couple e.t.c. which now mean I don't know if they actually reciprocate the same feelings for me or if it's still only in a jokingly manner. More than that I'm afraid of losing the friendship. They mean a lot to me as a friend, something I'm terribly scared of harming with the suggestion of a relationship. I'm not afraid of being rejected, they still bring me a lot of joy in life as a friend. I'm more afraid that they might look at me differently if I admit my feelings and they might act differently around me, either to "Not make it hard for me" or because they're uncomfortable. Especially since the "I'm fine with being friends" is often used as well when people are in fact not entirely fine with just being friends, so they might have the same thought around me. I don't know if I should confess to them and see where it takes me, or just keep quiet about my feelings to ensure the friendship will last?

  • Is it wrong to force another person into marriage? Say hypothetically when a person is proposed to the first thing they say is no, but they keep getting pressured into signing paperwork. The premise is that the person's parents, who object to gay marriage, would then be legally obligated to provide financial support to the other spouse calling for marriage.

  • Is it normal to one day wake up and not recognize your mate? I had this problem where one day I woke up and I just simply did not recognize the person in bed next to me. It's like they were a complete stranger, to the point of me standing on the other side of the room just staring at them, mostly out of fear. This of course led to them asking me wtf is my problem, and who was I, or where was I, questions I did not have the answer to. It did not stop at mate, went on to friends, family. Got to the point where I told my mother, hey, I don't know who you are but please stop calling.

Feedback

Hey, guys! As the subject line stated, I'm a brand new listener and I've just listened to your 35th podcast, Being Your Own Filter. I'd just like to say that I really enjoyed it and found it more helpful than I anticipated. I, myself, am a trans guy who is only attracted to cis men and have felt guilty about that for quite some time. While my own logic told me not to be ashamed of who I am attracted to sexually, I could not help but feel as if I were, in a way, betraying the community that I am a part of. When you covered this topic, it helped me come to terms with my own needs. I've also been avoiding the dating scene quite a lot because of the complications involved in being a gay trans man. But some of what you said I feel has prepared me somewhat to face the possibility of a breakup due solely to me being trans. I now feel equipped to handle it and to take into consideration that it may not be personal, but merely incompatibility. I am not one to jump to considering a person's actions to be transphobic, but a relationship is such a very personal thing that I think it would be all too easy to take something personally. In short, I appreciate you tackling the topic and enjoyed listening. I plan to make time to listen to your other podcasts in the future.

Closer

  • Next week’s topic: Sex Toys 101

Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.