FA 033 Healthy Expectations

Feral  Attraction
Episode 033 - Healthy Expectations 08/24

Intro

  • At least 1 in 10 young people in Britain report a recent distressing sexual problem

    • Climaxing, erectile dysfunction and lack of interest in sex are main issues, with young people rarely seeking professional help

    • Around one in 10 young men and one in eight young women in Britain who are sexually active have experienced a distressing sexual problem lasting at least three months in the past year, according to new research published in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

    • Findings come from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles

    • Study co-author Professor Kaye Wellings from the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine, said: "UK sex education is often silent on issues of sexual satisfaction, but these are clearly important to young people and should be addressed. Sex education could do much more to debunk myths about sex, discuss pleasure and promote gender equality in relationships. Teaching young people the importance of communication and respect within relationships is also key to helping them understand and address problems that may occur in their sex lives."

    • Kirstin R Mitchell, Rebecca Geary, Cynthia Graham, Soazig Clifton, Catherine H Mercer, Ruth Lewis, Wendy Macdowall, Jessica Datta, Anne M Johnson, Kaye Wellings. Sexual function in 16 to 21 year olds in Britain. Journal of Adolescent Health, 2016 DOI: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2016.05.017

Topic

Healthy Expectations for Dating

  • Don’t expect others to save you from yourself

    • You need to be able to stand on your own and be in good working order

  • Don’t wait for prince charming to sweep you off your feet

    • Be prepared to round the person you’re with up to one (Dan Savage)

    • Avoid greener pasture syndrome

  • It can take time before finding someone to date. Don’t expect the turnover to be immediate

    • Dating is about delaying instant gratification

    • Viro: Struck out dating for over two years before finding someone to date for more than a couple of months

      • If I had given up, I’d never have met Koji or any of my other mates

    • Expect most dates to not be wildly romantically successful; that’s the nature of the beast

      • Be prepared to enjoy yourself, but also be prepared to determine that you and your mate are not a romantic match

      • Don’t be discouraged; every date is a learning opportunity that allows you to refine what it is you are looking for, allows you to try new restaurants, allows you to play tourist in your own town, etc.

Healthy Expectations in a Relationship

  • Don’t expect your partner to read your mind

    • You cannot get what you do not ask for

      • Likewise, you won’t always get what you do ask for

  • Set your boundaries and communicate your needs and wants directly

    • Do not be disappointed if your partner fails to pick up on subtle, indirect communications cues

  • You and your partner both need to make contributions to the relationship

    • These contributions need not always be the same, but they should leave both of you feeling that you are getting more out of the relationship than you are putting in, most of the time

  • Do not expect equality; expect fairness

    • Especially in a polyamorous relationship, it is difficult to obtain total equality, and this often isn’t as desirable as it sounds

      • People have different needs, wants, and boundaries and are not interchangeable

        • If one partner is an introvert and one is an extrovert, having an expectation that you will spend equal time going out with both mates probably doesn’t make sense

      • Set an expectation of fairness

      • Fairness =  we all compromise to meet each others’ needs to the best of our abilities

  • Don’t expect your partners to make sacrifices you wouldn’t make or to forgive things you would not forgive

    • Empathy is key; work on being able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see your own actions through their eyes

  • Don’t set expectations for new partners based entirely on the behavior of a past partner

    • I need this rule because my ex did _____.

  • Don’t expect every relationship to be lifelong

    • All relationships end in breakup or death

    • Allow yourself to enjoy the ride and the time you get with your romantic partners, even if that time isn’t forever

Healthy Expectations for Life

  • Just because you put effort into something does not mean it will come to fruition

    • There are no participation medals for life

  • Life sucks and it will often seem like everything is working against you

    • Focus on handling adversity, not complaining about it

      • If you only talk about the bad in your life, the bad in your life becomes much worse. Focus on the solution, don’t seek company in misery

  • Don’t set expectations based on the performance of others; set expectations based on your own performance

    • Comparing yourself to others will only ever make you feel bad

      • There is always a bigger fish

    • Compare yourself to yourself

      • Are you getting better? Are you making progress?

  • Learn to budget your life effectively. You can’t be everywhere at once and you will be unable to do everything you want.

  • Not everyone cares about your life or your struggles

    • Don’t present that first for people to see

  • Not everyone will agree with you

    • Learn to handle arguments and disagreements in a healthy fashion

  • There is no guide to life

    • Learn to make decisions for yourself. Do not expect people to live your life for you

    • Learn to guide yourself in life. Asking others for help and advice is great, but ultimately you must take the action in your life

Question(s)

  • Do I have the right to refuse to sleep with someone if they won't show me their STI test result papers? I want to be able to trust my sex partners, but I also really don't want to catch anything. ><

    • Received via Telegram (name withheld)

    • Someone has the right to refuse to sleep with you if you aren't willing to get tested and prove that you are negative, but you also have the right to refuse to do so.

    • For the record, no one can ever prove they're negative 100 percent, because 1) tests don't see last two months of sexual activity 2) someone could lie to you about not having sex during those two months 3) tests have a false negative rate and 4) test result papers can be easily forged.

    • Trust, but verify.

    • Gold standard for immunocompromised / very cautious partners = two tests two months apart, both neg.

Feedback

You guys seemed to discuss last week’s topic mostly from the perspective of the bottom; what advice might you have for someone who is inexperienced with topping?

Closer

  • Next week’s topic: Financial responsibility

  • Contact info

Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.