FA 031 Hookup App Etiquette

Feral  Attraction
Episode 031 - Hookup App Etiquette 08/10

Intro

Topic

What hookup apps are commonly used these days?

  • Grindr, Tinder, Scruff, Recon, Hornet, Jack’d, Pounced, Down, Pure

What is the intended purpose of hookup apps?

  • To meet people

  • To find sexual partners with compatible interests

  • To flirt and feel good about one’s attractiveness

    • Sexting

  • To compare notes with others who may be more experienced (or differently experienced) than you

    • BDSM and other kinks / fetish play

How are hookup apps commonly misused?

  • Looking for a long term relationship

    • While possible, they may not be the best venue

  • Putting down / rejecting others to feel superior

  • Mocking or shaming those with interests other than your own

  • Leading people on for your own amusement

  • Shaming other people for using hookup apps

  • Creating false hope by setting dates you do not intend to keep

  • Creating false profiles in order to amass nudes of people in the community

What are best practices for using hookup apps without negatively affecting others?

  • Know your status

    • Ask the status of your potential partners (it’s okay to ask for proof of paperwork)

      • Keep in mind that paperwork can be faked, and that results do not necessarily show infections more recent than 2-3 months ago

  • Use safe sex practices and do not be afraid to reject people who do not agree to practice them with you

  • Be direct with what you are looking for without being degrading

    • “No rice, spice, chocolate” “no fats, femmes, etc…”

    • Say thanks but unfortunately I’m not interested

    • Be kind when rejecting people, at least at first

      • Consult our rejection / emotional bandwidth episode

  • Don’t agree to sexual activities you have no intention of fulfilling simply to get a foot in the door

  • It’s okay to ask to meet in a public place first

    • It’s also good to disclose where you are going to a friend, just to be sure

  • Be prepared to receive a lot of non-replies

    • You wouldn’t expect everyone in a bar to acknowledge you; don’t expect everyone on the internet to do so

    • It’s kinder to decline politely, but common practice to simply ignore those with whom you are not a match

  • Put your best foot forward

    • Good, recent photo

    • Describe what you’re looking for, who should contact you

    • Be honest!

    • Be honest if you’re just looking to flirt, not looking to meet up

Question(s)

  • 1. How does one go about finding a therapist that is at least open to sexuality or kink questions.

  • 2. How does a typically submissive individual go about dating, especially when people treat them as the more take charge type?

  • 3. Have either of you dealt with someone who is typically straight, yet that seems to go out the window in a D/s circumstance?

    • Received via email (name withheld)

Feedback

Hey Viro, Metriko and Koji, I appreciate what you do with this podcast and the hard work that goes into it. I've listened to every episode in the past couple of months. I had a good portion of "wtf??" moments before, but generally I'm fine if you guys have another opinion than me.

But right now the first part of the episode feels like you live in a bubble.

From my side, this podcast has a lot paranoia over sex negativity either in the webcomic or in Uncle Kage's presentation of the fandom. Kage hasn't been mentioned on the podcast but on Twitter, in a scolding manner. The overall fear of sex negativity is really blown out of proportion imho.

It also feels bitter that there hasn't been any acknowledgement what all of these people have done for the fandom or for sex positivity in general.

Both Kage and GreyWhite acknowledge mursuits and sex exist, but don't see it as main part of the fandom. Maybe I am fine with their presentation because I experience the fandom from the side of fun, cuddliness and pretend-play. For me, sex is NOT the main reason why I'm in the fandom, neither is it for my friends in the fandom.

For context, I am a straight woman with mostly female friends. I look at furry porn, but I appreciate the craft and the creativity more than I appreciate the sex. For erotic stuff, I prefer porn with humans. I also found partners within the fandom, but furry fandom is not the kink buffet you are portraying it as.

I also perceive murrsuits as a fringe fetish. I am fine if people like that, but the way I see it, it is something that won't ever be mainstream.

Just as people who are into diving suits (diving suits have been popping up in my Fetlife stream recently, I don't know how popular they are compared to mursuits).

I sometimes wear a diving suit for it's intended purpose, and it's fine for me if people get off on them. But in my perception sex in these clothes is just a minor part of what is important about them.

Comparing the portrayal of mursuits to gay rights is also blowing the thing out of proportions.

Just as all other kinks, nothing stops a kinkster from marrying the person they want or adopting a kid. There is also no need to tell your parents or go public that you like doing kinky stuff.

(There is no need to bring a mursuit to Christmas Dinner)

I would like this podcast more if there would be a discussion going on.

Right now everyone always agrees on one side. For more balance, you could have requested Grey White, the maker of the comic to speak with you for 15 minutes. That would've been interesting.

Also I'm not a native English speaker, so take this with a grain of salt.

Closer

  • Next week’s topic: Anal Sex 101

Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.