FA 028 Resilience

Feral  Attraction
Episode 28 - Resilience 07/20

Intro

  • Women who are cheated on 'win' in the long run; new women 'lose'

    • "Our thesis is that the woman who 'loses' her mate to another woman will go through a period of post-relationship grief and betrayal, but come out of the experience with higher mating intelligence that allows her to better detect cues in future mates that may indicate low mate value. Hence, in the long-term, she 'wins,'" said Craig Morris

    • "If we have evolved to seek out and maintain relationships, then it seems logical that there would be evolved mechanisms and responses to relationship termination, as over 85% of individuals will experience at least one in their lifetime)," said Morris.

Topic

What is Resilience?

  • Remaining emotionally stable and well-adjusted in the face of adversity

How do you become more resilient?

  • How People Learn to Become Resilient by Maria Konnikova

    • “Meeting the world on your own terms”

  • Using whatever resources you have available to you effectively

    • Not being complacent

    • Internal locus of control

      • You control your destiny, not your circumstances

    • Being willing to engage with others for help

      • Positive social orientation

      • Having strong community bonds (thanks, fandom!)

  • Perceiving events in a positive light

    • Silver lining

    • Decatastrophizing

      • If reaction is negative, make it more neutral or positive

      • If reaction is strongly emotional, try to take a more cooly rational approach

    • “Events are only traumatic if we label them as such”

    • Find positive meaning even in negative events

      • Don’t feel guilty for not feeling depressed or traumatized

      • There is no way you “should” feel

    • Positive explanatory style

      • Internal => External

        • Bad events are not my fault

      • Global => Specific

        • This is one bad thing, not a pattern or sign of things to come

      • Permanent to impermanent

  • Avoiding focusing on past negative events

    • Do not ruminate

    • Look to the past only to learn, not to re-experience trauma / negative emotion

Question(s)

  • I've been single for a while, and I am very frustrated, as it seems every time I get close to a girl I am interested in, I get friend zoned. People tell me all the time that I am the kind of guy a girl would be happy to date, someone who is sensitive and in touch with my feminine side. I've become somewhat discouraged, settling into the always the best friend, never the boyfriend mentality. What can I do to improve my relationship prospects?

    • Received via Telegram (name withheld)

Closer

  • Next week’s topic: How to be Single and Happy

  • Contact info

Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.