FA 101 Stale Relationships

Top of the Show

  • Podcast Appearance!

    • Life on the Swingset - Ep. 318

      • #ss318 on Twitter

  • My First Year of Polyamory by Sara Valta

    • https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/my-first-year-of-polyamory-sara-valta/

Topic

What makes a relationship go stale?

  • Not investing (QUALITY) time in your partner

    • Loss of time together being intentional can be an issue when you move in together, especially if you have other roommates!

      • Time together becomes automatic

      • Spending time together is not necessarily quality time

    • If your time and energy isn’t going into your partner, where is it going?

      • Work?

      • Hobbies?

      • Friendships?

      • Other partners?

      • Partying/drugs/alcohol?

      • Gaming?

  • Poor communication

    • Not communicating needs and wants to your mate

    • Not sharing joys and successes and letting your partner share your enthusiasm

    • Not listening empathetically to your mate’s needs and wants

  • Resentment

    • Resentment is often a sign you have not expressed your boundaries or maintained your personal integrity in your relationship

      • What are you sacrificing that you would rather not?

      • What has your mate done that you would prefer they not do?

      • Can you make yourself okay with the status quo, or is a change necessary?

Ways to reconnect with your partner

  • Create time and space for deep connection and empathetic expression of core values, needs, and wants

    • Spend one on one time together away from distractions

      • Take a walk or hike and leave your phones on do not disturb

      • Take a vacation or “staycation” together and keep the focus on each other

      • Cook a meal together

      • Take a bubble bath together

      • Watch an introspective documentary together or read an interesting article together, then discuss

      • Take turns reading a romance novel to each other

        • Consider adding cannabis or red wine if 21+ and legal in your area

  • Figure out and engage with your mate’s “love language”

    • http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/

    • For most mates, engaging in sensual touch is a great way to reconnect

      • Hold hands

        • on a walk

        • while watching a movie

        • as you drift off to sleep

      • Touch your partner casually and more than strictly necessary

      • Offer your partner a back rub or foot massage

  • Write affirmations about each other in a “gratitude list”

    • Perform an activity every week where you and your mate each make a list of all the ways you can think of that your mate invested in your happiness and the success of the relationship that week

    • Make a separate list of what you think you’ve done for your mate’s happiness and the success of the relationship that week

    • When you’ve both completed your lists, read them to each other.

    • Talk about the things that each of you noticed that the other did not, and focus on expressing your gratitude for each other

  • Celebrate your mate’s successes

    • Enthusiastically encourage them to relive the good things that happened to them that day in relating them to you

When should I know it’s time to end the relationship?

  • Sometimes, love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship

    • Your relationship may have gone flat because it has flatlined

    • Not all relationships can (or should) be resuscitated

  • It is okay to drift apart

    • Doesn’t (necessarily) mean either of you have done wrong or are bad people

    • Compatibility requires more than simply loving someone

  • Ask yourself why you’re in the relationship and what it does for both of you

  • How do you feel when you are around your mate?

    • Relaxed and accepted?

    • Anxious and misunderstood?

  • Does your mate treat your needs as if they are as important as his or her own needs?

  • Do your core values and beliefs align with those of your mate?

  • Do they make you feel safe when you are emotional and vulnerable?

  • Do you feel your life is better with your partner in it?

  • Does spending time with your partner leave you feeling happy and energized, or demotivated and drained?

Feedback

 

Hey! I'm Gear and though I've only been listening for a couple weeks now (a friend pointed me your way), you guys have become a regular part of my everyday. You guys help me get thru work and have opened my thoughts to some interesting concepts; Thanks for your podcast! <3

 

Episode 71 resonated with me in a few ways, but primarily the topic of the listener question: online vs real life appearance conundrum. Having run into this more often than I'd care for (more often than not related to my race than my physical build), it's an interaction I'm passionate about.

 

Understandably, when it comes to opinion on any possible subject, it's impossible to pose a completely and utterly encompassing perspective as we all think differently. Though I think one of the important aspects was kind of untouched: when you invest or have a profound connection with someone prior to trading images in real life, how do you resolve a scenario that could be 'your appearance is make or break' but gracefully?

 

Everyone has their preference or weaknesses; I personally am proud of not being particularly hindered by physical attraction much at all but it's undeniable that people do have needs or preferences. While it is definitely NOT OKAY to shame or be combative with someone who doesn't find you attractive nor is it healthy to ignore your preference, I think it's a bit damning to invest a profound amount of time or connection in an individual if you feel you are prone to needing a minimum level of physical attraction to feel that spur. Consider what they've invested in you at the same time and BE UPFRONT ABOUT YOUR PREFERENCES. Having been on both sides of this, you guys' advice is great for your early engagement with someone new; find out what is important to you when it matters most, and explore, share, communicate. But it's not always a result of self image or esteem issues that someone might be offended by finding out you don't like their appearance... I found that comment a bit close minded.

 

While its not necessarily intentional or possibly due to a lack of experience, having someone under the impression that their appearance is only so relevant because you failed to communicate the importance can be problematic. Communicate, and prosper!  (and sorry for wall of text x_x)

 

Cheers, Gear Fangred~

Question

 

Many of the furries I know are really struggling in their lives right now, especially compared to some of their peers. Is there such a thing as a furry “quarter life crisis?” If so, do you have any tips on how to feel better about one’s place in life?

  • Crisis of meaning brought on by excessive emphasis on individualism and hedonism

  • Learning to tell a “story of you” that you like

    • Your story is unique; you aren’t in someone else’s story book!

    • Try not to compare yourself to others, whose circumstances are likely very different from your own

    • Instead, compare yourself in the current chapter with yourself in previous chapters in your life

    • Envision what the next chapter could look like

  • Make yourself the protagonist in your own life story

    • What are your values, needs, and wants?

    • What is keeping you out of alignment with your core values or keeping you from acting on your needs and wants?

      • Do you struggle with delayed gratification?

      • Do you balance satisfying immediate wants with working towards long-term desires?

      • Are willpower and self-control areas you could work on?

    • Do you struggle with addictions that might be getting in your way?

      • Cell phone / social media addiction

      • Alcohol

      • Cannabis

      • Opioids

      • Games and media

      • Sexual gratification

    • If you find yourself procrastinating, ask yourself what is keeping you from doing the important things in your life

      • Are you getting enough fresh air and exercise?

      • Are you eating well?

      • Are you getting enough sleep?

      • Are you spending time in community with people who have similar values and goals?

      • Do you have a support network of people you can confide in and empathize with?

      • What are you spending time doing that doesn’t move you closer to your goals?

Closer

  • Contact info

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      • Ms. Hyde Plug

        • I'm participating in a "Streak for Tigers" around London Zoo on the 10th of August. If you'd like to know how to support me running around the zoo naked and fundraising to protect tigers in the wild, then you can find details @HanacondaSparks on Twitter.

          • My fundraising page is: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/hanaconda

      • Snares Plug

        • Snares has just released a new book, Meatier Showers: SUPERSIZED. For this and much more from Snares, visit http://gumroad.com/snares

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        • If you're a fan of furry in high-tech sci-fi stories you might be interested in the Para-Imperium universe by Zarpaulus (www.paraimperium.wordpress.com).

          • He has recently published a short novel with Thurston Howl Press titled "The Pride of Parahumans", you can go check it out on Amazon

        • If you’re a fan of speculative-fiction, science fiction, or Starcraft you might enjoy Zarpaulus’s writing! Give it a look and consider becoming a patron of theirs at https://www.patreon.com/Zarpaulus

      • Myron

        • Twitter handle is @MyronTheFluffy,  YouTube is MyronTheRedSamanda

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Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.