FA 015 Lovecast Appearance and Trust

Feral  Attraction
Episode 015 - Lovecast Appearance and Trust 04/20

Intro 00:00:40

Please enjoy the full clip of our Second Opinion appearance on Episode 495 of the Savage Lovecast, “Furries and Cheeseheads.” Thanks again to Dan Savage and his producer Nancy Hartunian for reaching out and offering us the opportunity to participate on the Lovecast and giving us permission to use this clip!

Topic 00:20:00

What is trust? It’s defined as the belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, or effective. More importantly, it is the courage to act on such a belief and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

If love is the flower that blossoms from your relationship, trust is the soil you plant it in, and communication is the water you use to nourish it.

Trusting Yourself 00:21:50

  • Trust in yourself builds the trust you have in other people, much like the relationship you have with yourself serves as the foundation you have with other people

    • Integrity and Trust are two sides of the same coin

  • Cynthia Wall (psychotherapist) and her book, The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships, is a great resource on trust. She offers the following points when it comes to Self-Trust:

    • Keep promises you make to yourself

    • Be kind to yourself

      • Rejection of your ideas is not rejection of yourself

      • Have the courage to believe in yourself

        • Acknowledge failures and think of what you wanted to happen instead. Develop plans to help you achieve those goals or, in some cases, acknowledge that some things are out of your control

        • “Move in the direction of greatest courage”

Trusting Others 00:35:00

  • Social Contracts and the Cost of Admission

    • A relationship without trust is a submarine with a screen door

  • Do not assume that the level of trust you have for someone is reciprocal

    • Don’t unload your emotional baggage without being sure that the other party in the conversation has the same level of investment

      • If you have doubt, inquire about it

        • Warning lights in a car

  • Blind trust versus Informed Trust

    • Never assume ill-intent, but never grant carte-blanche to a friend, mate, or family member to make continual, harmful mistakes without being held accountable

    • Evaluate if the violation of trust is intentional or an unintended consequence of a decision made by your mate, friend, or family member

      • Sometimes the best of intentions have the worst outcomes

    • The Hedgehog’s Dilemma

When to “Revoke” Trust 00:59:00

  • Please visit our episodes on Breaking Up and Loving Yourself

  • If your emotional boundaries are consistently not respected, you should consider re-evaluating your relationship with the offending individual

    • You should never feel you have to sacrifice your emotional boundaries or reset the goals of your relationship to keep your relationship alive

  • Revoking trust or resetting the level of trust does not always equal breaking up or burning the bridge you’ve built with the offending individual

    • Set realistic goals for them or consider “downgrading” your relationship if you deem it possible

How to Regain Trust 01:06:00

  • Following our apology model in our Non-violent Communication episode

  • Never assume that you will regain trust once it is lost

  • Don’t rush this process; the chief component is time and effort

    • You may need to make certain concessions you would not otherwise

      • Exception to our advice against rule-making

Question(s) 01:18:20

  • My mate and I have always been open, but now I’m feeling jealous

    • When we started our relationship, I was the more outgoing one when it came to relations outside of our own, but recently we had a huge shift in our personalities. I’m not sure what’s getting to me, but I’m shifting to a more monogamous mindset and I’m having a hard time not pushing those expectations on him. It’s bugging me because I know it’s very unhealthy to feel threatened or lash out and I’ve never had these feelings before. I’ve always been rather relaxed, so I’m feeling really guilty about all these recent feelings I’m having where I want to control a situation or where I don’t want him to enjoy himself at all at the expense of my own feelings.

      • Received via Telegram (name withheld)

      • Viro’s Advice Column on this question

Closer 01:25:20

  • Next week’s topic: Communication styles (direct vs indirect, etc)

  • Contact info (Telegram group, Twitter, Contact page, Facebook, etc)

    • Listener feedback on the STI Episode, our appearance on the Savage Lovecast, and take home HIV tests

  • Other business

Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.