FA 006 Breakups

Feral  Attraction
Episode 006 – Breakups 02/17

Intro 0:00:31

  • We’ve appreciated all the questions we have been receiving. We apologize for the backlog; we’ll be answering 1-2 questions per week on the advice column and podcast.
  • Happy Valentine’s Day! Let’s talk about breaking up :3

How to break up amicably 0:03:38

  • Avoid blame 0:04:30

  • Attempt to break up in person if possible 0:09:30

  • Avoid face-saving lies 0:17:10

    • Don’t say “not right now” if you mean “not ever”

      • Tie back to integrity episode

    • Don’t lead people on “I don’t have time for a relationship” is rarely actually true (priorities)

    • Don’t encourage an ex to carry a torch for you

  • If someone asks why, make sure they really want to know 0:22:10

    • It’s usually best to stick with “I feel we just aren’t compatible”

  • Timing of breakup 00:32:12

    • Try not to cause undo stress by breaking up at an inopportune time

      • Consider school/work, other personal issues, family issues (what is going on in the background)

        • 1) creates stress

        • 2) when stress lowers, breakup may no longer feel necessary

WHEN TO END A RELATIONSHIP 00:38:39

  • Relationships ought to benefit all parties involved 00:40:30

    • The people in the relationship are more important than the relationship

    • It is possible to love someone and ultimately not be romantically or practically compatible (aka not able to live with, etc)

    • Everyone should feel respected

    • Everyone should have autonomy

      • Symbiotic

      • Parasitic

  • Relationships ought to bring more joy/fulfillment than pain/sadness (most of the time) 01:02:00

    • Relationships won’t always be fun

    • On an average day, a relationship should make you more happy and fulfilled than you would feel by yourself or with someone else

  • Relationships should NEVER be allowed to become abusive 01:49:30

    • Physical abuse

      • Sexual assault / rape

      • Physical violence

    • Emotional abuse

      • Emotional blackmail

        • Manipulation through fear, obligation, guilt

        • “If you break up with me, I’ll kill myself”

          • Studies indicate this is rarely the case

          • People aren’t as affected by breakups (intensity/duration) as they think they will be

          • If you do think your partner is suicidal, provide them with resources (suicide hotline) and notify family/friends

        • “No one else will ever love me because of X”

          • Cancer, HIV, gender identity/expression, asexuality, etc.

          • Part of integrity - looking out for your own emotional and physical health

            • Though it can be very difficult, you cannot lose yourself for the sake of a partner or a relationship

            • BUT getting back to earlier point, time/place

              • Don’t break up before a major surgery, etc.

              • Try to pick the most stable/opportune moment when partner’s support network is at full capacity to be there for them

              • Alert others close to your partner that partner may need them

Question(s) 2:02:40

  • I have a mate who isn't a furry, and gets jealous when I participate in fandom events or do things with other furs. What should I do?

    • Received via Telegram from Sammy Wolf

    • Previously Addressed in an Advice Column

    • What are your relationship priorities? What relative percent of time / energy are you spending on each?

    • Envy vs Jealousy

      • Envy

        • Make time for before / after

        • Schedule special occasion with mate

        • Encourage mate to spoil him/herself while you are away (practice self-care)

      • Jealousy

        • Trust issues?

        • If trust issues are legitimate and/or it makes both of you feel more comfy, consider promising to check in with partner during event

    • Ask what your mate is feeling, and how you can help

      • Draw some “I statements” out of him

      • Validate mate’s feelings; don’t tell him he’s wrong or that he’s being unfair

    • Invite the mofo along

Closer 2:19:50

  • Trumping - A definition

  • Next week’s topic: How to love yourself (oh murr)

Metriko Oni

Metriko Oni is a former government environmental disaster mitigations expert with a focus on outreach, education, and policy writing. He now works with computers. He has been active in the fandom since 2013 and has been an advocate for transparent lines of communication. His interests include philosophy, media, futurism, and speculative fiction.