internal locus

FA 040 Boundaries vs Rules

On this week's show we open with a discussion of an article Debra Soh wrote on common misconceptions people make about polyamorous relationships. We use science to debunk mistakes: it's almost as if one of the hosts is a scientist! 

Our main topic is on Boundaries versus Rules (featuring Ultimatums). We go into the differences between these ideas, why they are not interchangeable, and why you might need to change how you think about your relationship terms. 

We close out the show with a Patreon shoutout to Snares (seriously go and give money to this comic), a reminder to see our episode of Culturally F'd!, and a question on changing the expectations of a poly relationship when locations and living circumstances change. 

For more information, including a list of topics, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 037 Sex Toys 101

On this week's show we open with a discussion on whether or not your friends actually like you. In the day and age of social media how many of your friends are actually friends?

Our main topic is on sex toys! Join Metriko and Viro on a whirlwind tour of sex toys, from butt plugs to strap ons, what to look for, and what you should avoid. Try not to blush as you listen!

We close out with a series of questions from our backlog and some feedback on integrating sex toys into your bedroom with a partner.

For more information, including a list of topics, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 035.5 Flexibility, Love, and Trust

This is a bonus episode where we will start by playing a song written by Rebecca Sugar from the Cartoon Network show, Steven Universe. We will discuss the meaning and importance behind the lyrics, and how they can be used as a mantra to help you find inner peace and strength when you are lost or consumed by emotion. 

We will be discussing this song in a way that will not spoil the plot of the show or reveal character motivations; we will only be discussing the meaning behind the lyrics. Stay tuned after the show for a discussion that goes into detail about the characters and their motivations; we will provide a spoiler warning for those who have not seen the show yet so they can choose to stop listening. We highly recommend watching Steven Universe from the beginning so that the song and the story behind it will have a fuller effect.

 

FA 035 Being Your Own Filter

We open this week's show with a discussion on how your activity on Facebook (and potentially other Social Media) might be a reflection of your true self and what might be happening when your online persona differs drastically from your meatspace reality. 

Our main topic is on being your own filter. The idea of content warnings and trigger warnings have been a discussion now for several years. Unfortunately, there seems to be a disconnect where individuals are equating offense to a trigger, which can limit the ability to communicate honestly and openly. We talk about the important of discussion and how to approach individuals you find offensive, or how to handle topics you take offense to. 

Our question is on transphobia- our questioner is a cisgendered gay man who is being called transphobic for not wanting a relationship with a transwoman. 

We also have some feedback on other ways you might be able to send yourself sex toys without your parents at home opening them by accident. 

For more information, including a list of topics, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 034 Financial Responsibility

We open this week's show with a discussion on whether or not money makes a relationship happier and longer lasting. We go through a Chinese study to find a possible answer to whether or not money can buy love and happiness. 

Our main topic is on financial responsibility. Your hosts, with guest RhythmFox, discuss different issues that you might encounter in your life, from difficulty setting a budget, attending a convention in a fiscally responsible way, or learning the difference between a national bank and a credit union. We talk about our lives and how we've made mistakes in the hopes that you can avoid doing the same yourself.

We close with a question on how to handle being in a relationship where you're supporting a mate who does not seem motivated to find work of their own.

For more information, including a list of topics, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 029 How to be Single and Happy

On tonight's show we talk about how gender-stereotypical genes might play a large role in your attraction towards others in life. Viro talks about a recent study that might show how the stereotypes of gender affect interpersonal attraction. We also point out the problem areas in the study and why this is not yet a universal truth.

Our main topic is on how to be single and happy. For some, it can be difficult to attain both at the same time. We discuss ways and methods you can employ to achieve both without ignoring the fact that you are, in fact, not currently in a relationship. A lot of the methods can play a part even when you are in a relationship, especially if your partner(s) are long distance or prone to travelling often.

Our question this week is on how to handle your feelings of affection, romance, and sexual desire toward a roommate that may not be reciprocated. If you have had sex before you moved into an apartment with someone as a roommate, how do you handle a potential cooling off that might occur.

We have feedback on sounding advice and why, perhaps, our sound advice was a bit unsound. Confused? Sir Arcane, co-host of A Hairy Prone Companion and the President of the Lansing Pups and Handlers takes us to school. 

We also would like to remind everyone to check out our appearance on the Alter Ego podcast. We talk with Athena, the host of the show, about fursonas, why we're furries, and what the fandom means to us. It's a great show and you should give it a listen.

For more information, including a list of topics, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 028 Resilience

On tonight's show we open with a discussion on how women who are cheated on might win in the long run. While some might say the true victory is not being hitched with a cheating asshole, is it possible that the long-term effects of being cheated on might outweigh the short-term pain?

Our main topic is on resilience. Resilience is the quality to recover quickly from periods of difficulty and strain in your life, and it is a tool that many people lack as it is not innate but learned. Unfortunately, too many people equate resilience with being overly stoic, where you adopt a poker face and never have moments of vulnerability or weakness. In much the same way that bravery is standing in moments of fear, resilience is standing in moments of weakness. We discuss how to become more resilient, the benefits of resiliency, and why all of this is important for your relationships. 

We move on to a listener question on the friend zone. How can you stop being the best friend and become the boyfriend? (Spoiler: the friend zone is a myth). We discuss ways that you can exert your emotional bandwidth and employ direct, sensible communication. We also trash pick up artists a bit and make fun of negging.  

We close out the show with some feedback on whether or not the show should have opposing viewpoints and whether or not we, as hosts, exist in an echo chamber that is howling into the faceless void.

For more information, including a list of topics, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 026 Living For Yourself

We open tonight's episode with a discussion about the Pope. Why does everyone seem to like this Pope, and what exactly did he mean when he told reporters that Christians should apologize? We rely on Viro, our resident recovering Catholic, to break the secret code and tell us why we should care, or if this is just false hope from the Pope!

Our main topic is on how to Live For Yourself. Really, though, this episode is about the power of telling other people to fuck off. As you can imagine, this episode contains adult language, so enjoy. 

We discuss various strategies you can employ to ensure that people stop having control over your life and, really, why should you care what that stranger on the bus thinks about you? We talk science, philosophy, and butts on this exciting, casual episode of self-empowerment and profanity!

Our listener question for the week is about whether you can be polyamorous but only want to have sexual contact with your primary. We talk a bit about non sexual significant others and what that can mean for you! 

For more information, including a list of topics, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 019 Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

On this week's podcast we open with a discussion on why you might be experiencing poor sleep when you are in a new environment. Is it just anxiety, excitement, or could it be a more primal, feral sensation that your brain is having?

Our main topic is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Cognitive Distortions. We discuss what the most common cognitive distortions are and how they can affect the way that you perceive the world, as well as interfere with your relationships. We then discuss ways that you can manage these distortions and find a path to a happier, healthier you. 

Cognitive Distortions are a serious issue, especially when you put them in play into a relationship. They allow for negative, self-sabotaging behavior to rear its ugly head and the collateral damage can be incredibly great. While we discuss common methods for coping and resolving these issues, we do want to stress that we are not licensed mental health experts; this podcast does not represent any form of consultation or diagnosis. If you have further questions or want to come up with an action plan for correcting behaviors we discuss in this show, seek help from a licensed professional that specializes in this area.

We close out the episode with a question about how to tell your long-term monogamous partner that you want to give polyamory a try. We talk about communication a lot in our answer.

For more information, including a list of topics by timestamp, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 018 Gaslighting

On this week's podcast we open with a discussion on Twitter lists that propagate libelous information. How should you handle a situation when someone is falsely accusing you of doing something potentially illegal?

Our main topic is gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone maliciously attempts to convince you that your perception of an event is false in order to manipulate you. This can take the form of calling you crazy, saying that you are wrong about something, or making you doubt your own memories. Oftentimes, this method is employed by people close to you, such as a partner, a parent, a teacher, or a boss.

If you are susceptible to these types of suggestions it can be incredibly damaging to your psyche. We discuss how to identify gaslighting and distinguish it from a genuine misunderstanding, then describe ways to defend yourself against gaslighting, including what to do when you realize that you are being gaslit. 

We also answer a listener question about how to tell a partner that you are in love with them, and how to challenge the gender norms that the man in a relationship has to be the first one to offer such a confession. What can a lesbian do?

We end with some feedback concerning our show and the bias that we, as hosts, have as (mostly) gay men. Are we intentionally excluding other genders or relationship styles when we offer advice?

For more information, including a list of topics by timestamp, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 017 Emotional Blackmail

We begin this week's podcast with a discussion on "ghosting" furry conventions: What exactly is ghosting, what are the ethics of con attendance, and who is ghosting really hurting (spoiler: everyone).

For our main topic this week, we kick off our Mental Health Month by talking about emotional blackmail. We here at Feral Attraction believe that emotional blackmail can be one of the most insidious poisons in a relationship, and as we have mentioned it in the past, we wanted to dedicate an entire episode to it.

Emotional Blackmail can take many forms, and everyone is vulnerable to it — whether you are the child of a passive aggressive parent, or the dom in your D/s relationship. The good news is that there are warning signs of emotional blackmail that you can look out for, and ways to de-escalate and resolve these situations without them turning into a relationship cold war. 

We do discuss some topics relating to abuse and self-harm in this episode, so please be advised of this content. We also would like to reiterate that if you find yourself in an abusive relationship, please seek the appropriate level of care and assistance to get you safely out of that situation.

After our main topic, we take a listener question that is in response to our STI Prevention and Risk Mitigation episode, pertaining to anxiety after being informed of a partner's STI status. Though the asker understands the low risk associated with his partner's STI, he is still a bit nervous when it comes to having a full-blown sex life with his partner. What should he do?

Finally, we close the show with some feedback in which a listener shares resources that may be helpful to the non-monogamous community, focusing on one of our favorite books, More Than Two.

For more information, including a list of topics by timestamp, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 015 Lovecast Appearance and Trust

This week we lead off with a clip of our Second Opinion segment from Episode 495 of the Savage Lovecast, "Furries and Cheeseheads." Thanks again to Dan Savage and his producer Nancy Hartunian for the gracious invitation as well as granting permission to share the clip in full. 

Our main topic is about trust, which is all too often misunderstood. Trust is the other side of Integrity, and both serve as the foundation on which a relationship either stands firm or crumbles. We discuss what exactly trust is as well as how to develop and maintain trust in yourself and others. We also discuss how to handle breaches of trust and what you can do to recover trust once it has been broken. Spoiler: sometimes that just isn't possible. 

We also take a listener question about how to handle feelings of jealousy in an open relationship that you realized, after the fact, you wished was a closed relationship. 

For more information, including a list of topics by timestamp, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 012 Collie's Follies and Metriko's Mistakes

This week we go into the past and talk about our lives. What mistakes in life and relationships have we made, and how did we move forward from these negative situations? How have we handled some of the lowest moments of our life and what did we learn from this? 

We also take a question about whether or not you should sacrifice your relationship for employment.

Please note that this episode contains some sensitive material and covers some topics that some listeners might view as being disturbing. Please review our show notes for timestamps in order to prevent any emotional or mental issues that you might experience. 

For more information, including a list of topics by timestamp, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 009 Emotional Bandwidth

How do you know when you are tapped out emotionally and can not really support new connections? How do you let people down when they are interested in you but you don't reciprocate the feeling? How do you talk to people who can only make small talk? Also, how do you handle a relationship when you aren't in the best financial position?

For more information, including a list of topics by timestamp, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 008 Owning Your Sh*t

Tonight we talk about you again. If episode seven is about loving yourself, this episode is about accepting the darker, less fun parts of yourself and how to ensure you are not self-sabotaging your relationship. It's about accepting yourself-- faults and all-- and moving forward in life. It's a tricky subject, but we'll get through it together!

For more information, including a list of topics by timestamp, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 007 Loving Yourself

On this week's episode we tackle the tricky topic (try saying that five times fast!) of how to love yourself. This can be difficult, especially in the fandom where many people struggle with positive self-identity. We talk about why it's important to start here before getting into a relationship, and we also talk about how to ensure you don't take it too far and end up a narcissist. 

Note:  We are aware of the small audio issue around 0:31:00 into the episode, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do there and hopefully it does not detract too much from your enjoyment. 

For more information, including a list of topics by timestamp, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 005 Integrity

This week we talk about Integrity. While much of what we say is, again, common sense, it is important to discuss the ethics of the furry community and how we, as a fandom, can be better to each other. Also, we answer the question of what it is like to live in a Pack House. 

For more information, including a list of topics by timestamp, see our Show Notes for this episode.

FA 002 Nonviolent Communication

This episode focuses on the various nonviolent communication strategies you can employ in your relationships. We also take a listener question on the practicality of long-distance polyamorous relationships.

For more information, including a list of topics by timestamp, see our Show Notes for this episode.