Hey, everyone! Viro here. I’ve been busy with travel and running our Open and Polyamorous Furry Relationships 101 panel at Texas Furry Fiesta, so this week we’re featuring a guest column from a happy polyamorous quad who took the time to share their experiences with polyamory with us. I hope you all find this fresh perspective on the polyamorous lifestyle within the fandom to be as interesting and educational as I did!
Hey, everyone! Viro here. I've been away from my column for a bit due to some personal issues I've had to resolve in my own life, but fortunately I have an excellent guest column to offer you all this week — a very personal bit of wisdom from an experienced submissive, learned the hard way (the school of hard knots, anyone?).
Without further adieu — or lame puns — please enjoy Riley Coyote's piece and learn what you can about submissive headspace and how to avoid letting desire for kink drag you into unsavory situations.
I've been in an open relationship with my mate for a little over nine months now. It was understood between each other that we could play around with other people as long as we told each other about it before or, if it were a spontaneous moment, right after sex happened. I'm not worried about him purposefully keeping things from me — we're open enough with each other for that not to be a problem — but I do worry sometimes about having things forgotten about or overlooked when talking to me. I don't want to be the crazy boyfriend and go accusing him of sleeping around with me in the dark but how could I approach the subject with him in a rational way? Is my wanting to know what he's up to too "jealous?
My mate and I met each other a little over a year ago though a mutual friend and have been mated for almost a year. We hit it off pretty well; if I have any confidence in the things I feel anymore, it's how darn infatuated we were with each other in the very beginning. The moment we became official was when I made my first mistake, when I agreed to his proposal of a monogamish relationship versus what I preferred; a 100% monogamous relationship.
Throughout history, people have classically had a difficult time understanding relationship styles and relationship structures different from the ones they would choose for themselves. In the 1950s and 1960s, people accused those in interracial relationships of being mentally ill, sick, or wrong. In the 1980s, the same was said of those in homosexual relationships. Today, we struggle with these accusations being slung at those in open, polyamorous, non-gender conforming, and/or BDSM / power exchange relationships.
I had a question about an interest of mine. I'm well-read but rather inexperienced in BDSM and power exchange stuff, but I definitely enjoy a bit of domination/submission flavor to sexual encounters — I generally either like to be in bed with a rather domineering partner who more or less has their way with me, or take that role myself. In particular, I seem to get off on varying degrees of discomfort endured while pleasing my partner — as a bottom, I like my partner to go just a bit faster than my body can comfortably handle, to not let me warm up, and generally, to make things hurt. When I'm giving blowjobs, I really like to be held down and controlled, to the point of not being able to breathe. One of the hottest things I've done with my (now ex) boyfriend was when he put me in handcuffs and a collar, put me on my knees, and throatfucked me in the shower. I specifically asked him for this, including the stipulations that we do it when I had an empty stomach so I wouldn't be sick when I inevitably started gagging, that he hold me down when I started to struggle, and that we do it in the shower so I wouldn't be getting drool and spit everywhere. For my part, I stayed down as long as I could, so when I started to struggle, it was almost an involuntary fight for oxygen, and him stopping me was what got me off. It went fantastically, and I really enjoyed it. Still, this is a form of breath play, and everything I read tells me breath play is dangerous, uncontrollable, and bound to cause serious physical harm. That said, this is so much fun that it's hard to turn it down if I can get it. Just how dangerous is this? Our safety system was that my handcuffs were made of velcro, and while you can pull as hard as you want and they won't come loose, they can be undone by pulling on a strap that I could reach, though it might take a second or two. Also, my ex is gentle by nature, and I really doubt he would take this too far — He was doing it mostly for my sake, though I think he did enjoy it as well
I am a furry involved in a total power exchange Master/pet relationship, with myself being the pet. A bit more about my relationship: I live with my Master, who is also legally my husband (I am a submissive gay deer, and he’s my Alpha wolf). Our relationship is usually amazing, and I love being his. However, we get a lot of criticism from friends and family members who do not understand our relationship. I hate it when people call my wolf “abusive” or “controlling,” though I imagine it must look that way from the outside, for many reasons. For example, my wolf reads my texts, I have to ask him for permission to spend time with others away from him, and I’m not allowed to spend money without his consent. He’s even reading this email as I write it! Of course, I love that he pays such close attention to me, and I think it is incredibly hot that I am so thoroughly his. How do I defend my mate against unfair accusations and make people understand that this is what I WANT?
Yesterday morning I read an article about a woman who'd enabled a man to cheat on his girlfriend, and when the woman told the girlfriend about it, her reward was to be bitched out for it. On one level, I would say the reaction is somewhat understandable, but at the same time, it's illogical since the woman didn't know the man even had a GF at the time. In any event, the woman has since adopted the perspective that whether the guys she sleeps with are taken is not her business to know; rather, it's their business to tell her. I went in expecting not to be too thrilled with the piece, but ultimately I by and large agree with her conclusions. What do you think about it?