Hey hey, I have a quick question. So I'm polyamorous, my partner is monogamous, our relationship is open, he has a person I'd call another partner, he sees her often enough, maybe once weekly, but he claims he has no feelings other than sexual there. I think he expects me to cut off any relationships I make it I develop any feelings, but I don't think we have the same definition of feelings. I care for people very easily, if there was someone I met with for sex as often as he does I would bet I'd have some connection with them. Is he lying to himself? Should I downplay it if I get feelings - they wouldn't threaten my relationship with my partner. I get feelings with many of my friends where I just look at them and admire their beauty as they're relaxed and chatting away. It's all so blended together. He's very against polyamory but he has someone he's been seeing for months. He says the difference is that he'd stop seeing her if I asked him to. So is that where I should draw the line for myself?
For a year now I've considered myself to be in a relationship with a guy who I love with everything I have. He's the first person I've ever had these feelings for, the first person I've ever dated, and the first time I've been romantic with another male.
Technically, however, we are not in a relationship because he already has a long-term girlfriend. He has considered the possibility of become a polyamorous triad and has asked her about this option, but she is uncomfortable with the idea and is unlikely to be persuaded otherwise. He has not told her about me or our relationship because he does not want to hurt her and lose what he's had for a number of years.
So I guess the question I'm asking is: Am I insane? To think that I'm in a secret, long-distance, semi-polyamorous, closeted, almost-relationship? I'm not expecting a perfect solution to my conundrum but I'm desperate for advice. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I can't keep this up with a smile forever.
Yesterday morning I read an article about a woman who'd enabled a man to cheat on his girlfriend, and when the woman told the girlfriend about it, her reward was to be bitched out for it. On one level, I would say the reaction is somewhat understandable, but at the same time, it's illogical since the woman didn't know the man even had a GF at the time. In any event, the woman has since adopted the perspective that whether the guys she sleeps with are taken is not her business to know; rather, it's their business to tell her. I went in expecting not to be too thrilled with the piece, but ultimately I by and large agree with her conclusions. What do you think about it?