Monogamy

My local mate is trying to get with my long-distance mate for the wrong reasons

I’m in a polyamorous relationship with three lovely people, two of whom are monogamous, and two of whom are long-distance relationships for me. My short-distance partner (who is monogamous) has said she is fine with my setup since the start, but I recently went to visit one of my long-distance partners (the polyamorous one) for a week, and honestly, it’s one of the best weeks I’ve had — we fit so well together, and everything was perfect. Now I’m back and my short-distance partner is having tantrums, breakdown after breakdown, and this partner is trying to get into a relationship with my polyamorous long-distance partner, and I am very uncomfortable with that, as I know she isn’t doing it out of love, but out of the fear she has of me doing things without her, and I am worried it will put a strain on the fantastic relationship my polyamorous long-distance partner and I have. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but it doesn’t seem to help, and usually just adds more stress on top of everything. I’m completely for them talking to each other, but the fact that she is going into this with the intention of getting into a relationship really puts me on edge. I’m completely at a loss for what to do. I’d love your input.

My mate says I shouldn't have feelings for my FWBs, but I can't help it. What do I do?

Hey hey, I have a quick question. So I'm polyamorous, my partner is monogamous, our relationship is open, he has a person I'd call another partner, he sees her often enough, maybe once weekly, but he claims he has no feelings other than sexual there. I think he expects me to cut off any relationships I make it I develop any feelings, but I don't think we have the same definition of feelings. I care for people very easily, if there was someone I met with for sex as often as he does I would bet I'd have some connection with them. Is he lying to himself? Should I downplay it if I get feelings - they wouldn't threaten my relationship with my partner. I get feelings with many of my friends where I just look at them and admire their beauty as they're relaxed and chatting away. It's all so blended together. He's very against polyamory but he has someone he's been seeing for months. He says the difference is that he'd stop seeing her if I asked him to. So is that where I should draw the line for myself?

How do I make enough time for my partner during graduate school?

I am a student who has been engaged in undergraduate research for one semester now. It is something I am passionate about, and definitely a step in the right direction towards my PhD aspirations. However, it is already pretty time-consuming. With full-time classes, homework, research, and volunteer work, it is sometimes hard to find a lot of time to talk to my partner.

I'll note here that I am monogamous and have been in my current long-distance relationship for about a year. We managed a one-month visit last summer and will be doing the same this summer. I might be applying to a few graduate schools somewhere geographically closer to my partner if any faculty in his area are a good fit with my research interests. Fingers crossed!

However, I have heard and I fully expect that the time crunch is only going to get worse in grad school. I have two questions now. First, between taking my own classes, teaching undergraduates, and doing thesis/dissertation research, how will I ever find time to devote to my partner while I'm in graduate school?

Second, how can I properly communicate with him about what I'm studying, now and in the future? My partner and I have aimed for very different levels of educational attainment: my partner has his country's equivalent of a U.S. high school diploma, whereas I am on my way to a Ph.D. I want to be able to talk about my research to him, because it's a big part of my life and it'd be nice to be able to talk with him about the stuff that makes me tick. But it is a daunting task, because there is not that shared foundation of knowledge. He has not taken the years of classes in a specialized subfield that my peers have. For example, I don't know how to express to him my excitement at finding statistically significant results, when those two words (statistical significance) would be enough to get one of my peers excited with me.

My long-distance mate wants us to open our relationship, but we haven't even had sex yet

Greetings. I'm currently engaged in a long distance relationship that's lasted approximately four months. We both love each other dearly, but are not able to visit in person frequently. In fact, we only just saw each other for the first time on the 17th of December, having made the relationship official in early August. During MFF 2016, however, he ended up getting a little too close with another furry for my comfort, and it went past the boundaries that we had previously established for the relationship. There was no actual sex, but some rather dirty dancing did happen, and eventually my BF ended up in the bedroom with that same furry cuddling in a quasi-sexual manner. He stopped before they got any further, but it wasn't something I was comfortable with. We made up quite soon afterward, and he told me that he was sorry for stepping out of line. Fast forward to Christmas day this year, and he's told me that things aren't as satisfying for him as he would like. Keep in mind, we've only sex-roleplayed over Telegram and haven't done much else. No sexual Skype chats, nudes, nothing else. Well, he wanted to know if it would be ok for him to do cuddling in and occasionally out of suit. That's something I think I would be able to get along with as long as it was relatively safe. Then he asked for some dirty dancing, and that's when I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. Then he asked for doing things with other people up to but not including anal. This is where I started having some really mixed feelings. On one hand, I want him to be satisfied in this relationship and I want us both to be happy. He also mentioned that he still wants me as the primary mate, and that he's not looking to replace me or anything. On the other hand, we haven't even kissed each other in real life, let alone had sex. I feel like I am being replaced even though we've never done anything in real life to begin with! I really want to be able to let him enjoy himself more, and in my own fantasies the idea is quite arousing. However I've been struggling with depression for a while now and I would feel crushed knowing that some other random furry had sexual relations with him before I could even kiss him. The idea came up of "How about if I don't tell you? A kind of what happens at the con stays at the con deal.” The problem with that is that I would know that every con he goes to he's probably doing something sexual and I'd feel even more helpless. He's told me that he would be willing to let me have physical/RP relations with other people too, but RP just isn't the same as real sex, and I haven't a chance at real physical encounters because I'm not comfortable with using Grindr or just random hookups, and I don't have a car. I'm truly at a loss here. I love him dearly, he's my whole world. We make each other better people, we're there for each other through thick and thin. Again, he's made it clear that he still loves me dearly and wants us to stay together. I'm determined to make this work too, I really truly am. But I need some help here, and I would like to hear your guys' opinion on the matter. I also plan to talk about this with my therapist. Thank you for your time

My mate and I have changed during our relationship, and now we aren't sexually compatible. What should we do?

Our most recent problems stem from my views on love and sexuality. When we started our relationship it was as adventurously monogamous. I encouraged him to not feel restricted by me, as at the time I wasn't very sexually active (perhaps a product of depression). Jump forward to three years and I find myself in a situation where I love my partner, but I don't feel as though we're on the same page anymore.

I'm unable to really fulfill his sexual needs, but at the same time mine have grown in an opposing direction. I want to keep him in my life, but I understand that my hopes of having my cake and eating it too are likely in vain. We've discussed this before, but unless I approach the subject of splitting up he tends to evade the topic of having an open relationship and instead tries to ply me with ways in which to be more intimate.

I don't know really how to proceed from here. He says he can't live without me, and I admit our lives have become very tightly interwoven. I don't want to shatter the life we've built together, but I don't think it can stand the strain.

I can't date the love of my life officially because he's already with someone else. Help!

For a year now I've considered myself to be in a relationship with a guy who I love with everything I have. He's the first person I've ever had these feelings for, the first person I've ever dated, and the first time I've been romantic with another male.

Technically, however, we are not in a relationship because he already has a long-term girlfriend. He has considered the possibility of become a polyamorous triad and has asked her about this option, but she is uncomfortable with the idea and is unlikely to be persuaded otherwise. He has not told her about me or our relationship because he does not want to hurt her and lose what he's had for a number of years.

So I guess the question I'm asking is: Am I insane? To think that I'm in a secret, long-distance, semi-polyamorous, closeted, almost-relationship? I'm not expecting a perfect solution to my conundrum but I'm desperate for advice. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I can't keep this up with a smile forever.

Help! I agreed to a monogamish relationship, and now it is coming back to bite me

My mate and I met each other a little over a year ago though a mutual friend and have been mated for almost a year. We hit it off pretty well; if I have any confidence in the things I feel anymore, it's how darn infatuated we were with each other in the very beginning. The moment we became official was when I made my first mistake, when I agreed to his proposal of a monogamish relationship versus what I preferred; a 100% monogamous relationship. 

My mate moved in with me too quickly, and now I don't know if this is what I want

I'm in a relationship of about 9 months now with a guy. We hit it off really well initially, but things progressed rather quickly and I find myself in a position where I'm not sure if this is what I want for the long term.

Interview with International Anthropomorphic Research Project’s Nuka about Furry Fandom Gender, Sexuality, and Relationships

I’m here today at Anthrocon 2016 with Dr. Courtney Plante, aka Nuka, who is a post-doctoral researcher at Iowa State University. Nuka holds a Ph.D. in social psychology from the University of Waterloo. He is a co-founder of the International Anthropomorphic Research Project (IARP), a team of researchers that has published a number of peer-reviewed scientific papers about the furry fandom and how it compares with other demographically similar fandoms. Nuka, thanks so much for sitting down with Feral Attraction.

Should I try a closed long-distance relationship if I'm used to open relationships?

I have a question about trying a closed relationship because I've usually been in open ones in the past. I really think I have feelings for this guy, but he wants a closed relationship, and I'm not sure whether that will work for me in the long term, especially given that we're long distance. Should I give it a try?

How do I define cheating in my non-monogamous relationship?

I am a 22yo male wolf in a polyamorous triad with two wonderful mates, a 19yo male fox and a 24yo female vixen. We all identify as bisexual. Lately, we’ve dealt with some infidelity problems, and we’ve been able to work through it, but I think we’re all a little confused about expectations given that we are in a non-monogamous relationship. How should we define what cheating is, given that we have more than one mate as it is?

What do I do with my online pets if I find a mate?

So, I have a situation that I wonder how to go about. So I'm a master, purely online at the moment, but me being how I am and enjoying purely monogamous relationships, what would I do with my pets if I found a mate? Would I leave them if my mate didn't like the idea? Or was a non-furry and just found the idea of online roleplays with strangers really off putting. It's alway worried me getting a new pet or two that was sexual because if I got attached and got a mate I'd feel obligated to put all my sexual focus on them. But I wouldn't want to leave my pets hanging there, since they have needs and might have an emotional connection to me as well. I don't want that clash, and luckily I haven't had this happen, but I would have no idea how to go about this whole situation if it did and I imagine others have wondered or been through this as well.

What is the right thing to do when considering intimacy with someone who might be mated?

Yesterday morning I read an article about a woman who'd enabled a man to cheat on his girlfriend, and when the woman told the girlfriend about it, her reward was to be bitched out for it. On one level, I would say the reaction is somewhat understandable, but at the same time, it's illogical since the woman didn't know the man even had a GF at the time. In any event, the woman has since adopted the perspective that whether the guys she sleeps with are taken is not her business to know; rather, it's their business to tell her. I went in expecting not to be too thrilled with the piece, but ultimately I by and large agree with her conclusions. What do you think about it?

My mate and I have always been open, but now I'm feeling jealous

When we started our relationship, I was the more outgoing one when it came to relations outside of our own, but recently we had a huge shift in our personalities. I’m not sure what’s getting to me, but I’m shifting to a more monogamous mindset and I’m having a hard time not pushing those expectations on him. It’s bugging me because I know it’s very unhealthy to feel threatened or lash out and I’ve never had these feelings before. I’ve always been rather relaxed, so I’m feeling really guilty about all these recent feelings I’m having where I want to control a situation or where I don’t want him to enjoy himself at all at the expense of my own feelings.

Non-monogamous Furry Relationships 101

Non-monogamous Furry Relationships 101

I was fortunate to host the Non-monogamous Furry Relationships 101 panel at Anthro New England on Saturday. The panel had 33 attendees, making for a standing room only crowd!

Episode One Listener Feedback

We at Feral Attraction were very pleased to receive a substantial amount of listener response after our inaugural episode this week. While much of this feedback was positive, we did receive some criticisms that it is important we address.