Jealousy

A polyamorous quad shares their experiences with ethical non-monogamy

Hey, everyone! Viro here. I’ve been busy with travel and running our Open and Polyamorous Furry Relationships 101 panel at Texas Furry Fiesta, so this week we’re featuring a guest column from a happy polyamorous quad who took the time to share their experiences with polyamory with us. I hope you all find this fresh perspective on the polyamorous lifestyle within the fandom to be as interesting and educational as I did!

My mate won't text me during the day, but he texts others, help!

Hey quick, question. I've been having some communication issues with my mate recently. We're both furs and live in the same city, and we both work web development. We used to be able to talk online here and there and have a decent conversation, but for the last handful of months he hasn't really been talking to me when I message him.

I feel less important to my primary partner now that she is seeing other guys. Help!

Hello. I am a male in a polyamorous relationship with my mate, who is female. The problem I am having in my relationship is that I have been feeling significantly less important to her than her other partners seem to be. When I bring up my feelings to her, she denies that I am any less important to her and tells me that I am overreacting. I still struggle with these feelings, so I would be grateful to any help or insight that you might be able to provide

Help! I'm worried my mate will forget to tell me what happens when he sleeps with other guys

I've been in an open relationship with my mate for a little over nine months now. It was understood between each other that we could play around with other people as long as we told each other about it before or, if it were a spontaneous moment, right after sex happened. I'm not worried about him purposefully keeping things from me — we're open enough with each other for that not to be a problem — but I do worry sometimes about having things forgotten about or overlooked when talking to me. I don't want to be the crazy boyfriend and go accusing him of sleeping around with me in the dark but how could I approach the subject with him in a rational way? Is my wanting to know what he's up to too "jealous?

My mate and I are exploring polyamory, and he's upset now that I've slept with someone

My mate and I are beginning to dabble with polyamory. I'm built for it,  he's not.  He has a secondary partner as well as me, and we have someone we see together. We have clear rules, which are working. He usually sets the rules, as he is less comfortable in general, and we have been taking baby steps. Yesterday I slept with my first other partner, with consent from everyone, and I followed all of our rules. My mate reacted very badly and has since requested that I stay at home and away from him, telling me that he needs time to process it all. He's feeling angry and jealous, and doesn't want me to see him that way. He's considering breaking up with his other partner and saying that he can't handle this. I'm just at home feeling sad is all. I'm used to spending every night with my mate snuggled up. I feel I've betrayed him because I could have avoided this by not being polyamorous at all. What can I do to feel better, and to help my mate feel better?

Is my friendship with my now-taken lover worth saving?

I really want to stay friends with B, even though he was mean to me, because I still like him and I don’t want him to be angry at me. How should I approach someone after that? Have I missed anything from their perspective? Do I maybe deserve their silence/isn’t that what I wanted?

Help! I agreed to a monogamish relationship, and now it is coming back to bite me

My mate and I met each other a little over a year ago though a mutual friend and have been mated for almost a year. We hit it off pretty well; if I have any confidence in the things I feel anymore, it's how darn infatuated we were with each other in the very beginning. The moment we became official was when I made my first mistake, when I agreed to his proposal of a monogamish relationship versus what I preferred; a 100% monogamous relationship. 

What are the red flags for a toxic poly relationship?

When should you back out of a poly relationship, no matter how awesome it appears to be right now? What are the key ingredients that, if found missing, make it so that it is better to just move on and save everyone the heartbreak? Are there any red flags?

I'm crushing hard on a guy that my husband is currently flirting with, and I'm having trouble handling it

It's very rare that I have a crush on someone. As such, it took me until 30 to realize that, for me at least, the "love makes you dumb" trope is fairly accurate. 

I'm the kind of person that doesn't friend people I don't know on Facebook. I rarely initiate a conversation with strangers. Hell, I rarely even say "hi" on dating apps on the off chance I might end up having to tell someone it turns out I'm not actually interested in them. Yet for some reason I decided it would be alright to friend a guy on Facebook (partly from the Hubby's suggestion) and, before he responds, initiate a conversation on Scruff. I can't remember most of the content, but I recall it being somewhat awkward and not the most positive interaction. I decided to pull back and not force anything. Within a couple weeks I realized the messages and his Scruff profile were gone. I canceled the Facebook request soon thereafter. Initially I thought he was just blocking/avoiding me, which was disappointing though understandable. But months later I found out he had a boyfriend briefly around the same time that may explain the disappearance from dating apps. That brings us to the present. Half a year later and I've mostly put the idea behind me when I noticed that my husband had started chatting with him, the two seemingly getting along fine. Since that point I've been dealing with a jealousy/envy that I'm not accustomed to. I"m happy that my husband's found a guy he likes, but I don't know if I'll be able to handle if their relationship progresses. It might be easier if I knew for sure that he wasn't interested in me, but since there was never any definite closure I'm just left wondering what if and what might be.

My main optimism for a friend/relationship is from the fact we mutually liked each other on OkCupid. Unfortunately my initial message was sent before I found this out. It was shortly after our brief communication that his profile came up and I starred it, since I was apparently still on my dumb kick. Of course I got the "Congratulations!" pop up. I recall perceiving it as a cruel irony. For all I know that may have hurt my position even more by making me seem stalkerish. 

The main issue is the brief conversation we had is gone thanks to (I assume) him deleting his app profiles. Though even if it were there, I know there wasn't any closure. Still, if I had the chats I would be in a better place to know how to proceed now, but since I'm not clear if I just came on too strong/creeper-like or possibly offended him it's hard to say what direction to take. ltimately I just want to know if there's a possibility. I would just ask, but if he does have a negative association with me, I don't want that to influence his thoughts on my mate. Though at the same rate, should they end up wanting to do more than just chat, I don't know if I'd be able to handle it.

We live in a small community, and I'm seemingly more selective (hesitant?) than most, so it's rare that someone comes along that I'm actually actively interested in. If I knew for sure that he wasn't interested for whatever reason, it would suck, but I could manage and move on. But if he was turned off by my being abnormally forward, or perceived me as stalkerish when my feelings were just giving me a case of the dumbs, I'd hate to pass up something that otherwise seems to have potential.

What is the right thing to do when considering intimacy with someone who might be mated?

Yesterday morning I read an article about a woman who'd enabled a man to cheat on his girlfriend, and when the woman told the girlfriend about it, her reward was to be bitched out for it. On one level, I would say the reaction is somewhat understandable, but at the same time, it's illogical since the woman didn't know the man even had a GF at the time. In any event, the woman has since adopted the perspective that whether the guys she sleeps with are taken is not her business to know; rather, it's their business to tell her. I went in expecting not to be too thrilled with the piece, but ultimately I by and large agree with her conclusions. What do you think about it?

I love the idea of non-monogamy, but jealousy is preventing me from enjoying it

I'm a 22-year-old straight-ish female furry, and I am currently struggling with some jealousy issues. My boyfriend and I have been trying to explore non-monogamy together recently, but I am having some problems with it. Intellectually, I am totally cool with him being with another girl, and I really love the idea of us being able to experience other people sexually during the course of our relationship. However, right now, emotionally, I am having a hard time with it all. The last time my boyfriend and I had a threesome, with another girl we were both into, I enjoyed myself a lot until I saw him put his hands on her and embrace her intimately in a way he usually does with only me, and I just snapped and hated the rest of everything that happened. I didn't really let on that I was no longer comfortable or enjoying myself so as not to ruin their time, but I ended up hating myself both for having that reaction to begin with, when it's something I should be okay with, and for not speaking up for myself. How can I move forward as an ethically non-monogamous person, when that's really what I want, when I am experiencing such crippling jealousy issues?

My mate and I have always been open, but now I'm feeling jealous

When we started our relationship, I was the more outgoing one when it came to relations outside of our own, but recently we had a huge shift in our personalities. I’m not sure what’s getting to me, but I’m shifting to a more monogamous mindset and I’m having a hard time not pushing those expectations on him. It’s bugging me because I know it’s very unhealthy to feel threatened or lash out and I’ve never had these feelings before. I’ve always been rather relaxed, so I’m feeling really guilty about all these recent feelings I’m having where I want to control a situation or where I don’t want him to enjoy himself at all at the expense of my own feelings.

My mate and I are open, but I'm falling for someone I'm sleeping with. What do I do?

My mate and I are in an open relationship that he asked me for, so he could have sex with other people. I am having sex with someone else too, but I am falling for him. I still love my mate, though. How do I tell him that I have feelings for someone else?

Non-monogamous Furry Relationships 101

Non-monogamous Furry Relationships 101

I was fortunate to host the Non-monogamous Furry Relationships 101 panel at Anthro New England on Saturday. The panel had 33 attendees, making for a standing room only crowd!

Long-distance polyamorous relationship?

I am considering becoming mates with someone who is already mates with someone else, but it would be a long-distance relationship. How likely is it that a long-distance polyamorous relationship would work out?