My new mate wants me to be more sexual in conversation with him, but I feel awkward

Question

The short and dirty of it is that my new crush wants me to be more sexual in conversations with him; however, I’m currently not in a place where I feel experienced, confident, or natural talking about it. I'm currently in a new-ish (1 month or so) long-distance relationship with someone, and we both like each other. However we're in a weird-ish spot of sort-of-not-really-boyfriends? He's more experienced when it comes to dating, whereas I'm really inexperienced — having only ever dated one other person a good 7 years ago — and am also still a virgin. The issue we’re having is that he wants me to be more sexual in conversations with him; however, I feel that I'm just clueless and have no clue what to talk about. I want to advance our relationship further, but he says that this is important to him in a relationship, and I'm not sure what to do or say in regard to that sort of stuff, so I sort of feel helpless. I don't want to disappoint him, but I also don't want to feel like I'm rushing myself or forcing myself to say something. Any advice on what to say or do? Thanks.

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Answer

First off, thanks so much for sending in this question! I empathize with your predicament, as it’s often difficult to establish sexual rapport in long-distance relationships, especially when you haven’t already met. In your case, you haven’t had sex with anyone, much less your new crush, so you are in an even more potentially awkward and difficult situation.

I think you are quite right in suggesting that it isn’t a good idea to rush or to force yourself to be more sexual than you feel comfortable with,  but so long as you do feel comfortable trying to indulge your partner in a bit of sexual talk and online roleplay, there are certainly ways you can work on this skill and get better at it.

The first thing I would do is talk to your crush and ask him for a little help in meeting his needs. You mentioned that your crush is a lot more experienced than you are, so perhaps you could ask your crush for guidance as to the type of sexual comments and flirtations that would appeal to him. I would ask him to model the kind of conversation he would like to have with you; have him write up both sides of a conversation with you, in which he plays both the part of you and that of himself. Have him share this example conversation with you, and see if there aren’t things you could incorporate into your next flirtatious conversation.

Another thing you can try — if you and your crush are okay with it — would be to watch your crush roleplay sexually with someone else, perhaps on F-list or somewhere else where people are open to one-off, no-strings-attached sexual roleplay. By watching how your crush RPs and how other people respond to him, you might develop some ideas for how you could approach sexually roleplaying or flirting with your crush the next time the two of you talk.

If you still don't feel comfortable flirting sexually with your crush after trying these tips, you might suggest to your crush that he will have to be patient until after you have more sexual experience with him for you to be sexually flirtatious. If waiting is a deal breaker for your crush, it might be that the two of you just aren't compatible for a relationship based on the stages of life you're presently in, and that's okay! Be honest with yourselves and each other and you will be in the best position for making your relationship work, whether or not it remains romantically involved.

Hope that helps! If you have any follow up questions or comments, feel free to get in touch with us via the feedback form available on our contact page, here.

Viro the Science Collie

Viro Science Collie is a PhD virologist and medical writer, experienced in teaching, technical communication, and writing for the public. He has been active in the furry community since 2012 and has been happily and ethically non-monogamous for much of that time. His interests include non-traditional relationship structures, technology, biological science, and tennis.