Learning to be more dominant in bed

Question:

My mate wants me to be more dominant. How can I do that for him? I’m usually pretty submissive myself.

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Answer:

This is a really great question! Breaking into “kinky” sexual play, including bondage, domination/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM) can be a bit difficult if it isn’t something you have considered before. It can also be difficult if you have considered it, but you feel more drawn to the (submissive) role that your partner wishes to take, which seems to the the position in which you are finding yourself.

Although there are no hard and fast rules to BDSM other than making sure what you are doing is safe and consensual, there are some helpful things you can think about to determine what it is you might like to do in a BDSM “scene” with your partner.

The first thing to keep in mind is that dominance is really just a mindset that you can learn how to project, and your partner will pick up on this a lot more easily than you might think. Keep in mind, a submissive partner wants to follow your lead; give him something to work with, and he will likely be eager to take his cues from you. Now, I tend to take a more dominant role myself, so a lot of these things come more naturally to me. But most of what it takes to be a good dominant can be learned and projected even if you aren’t really craving submission from your partner in the way that a natural dominant might.

One key to projecting a dominant mindset is to carefully hold onto your own space and to control, constrict, or reduce the space that your mate occupies. Google “power pose” and pay attention to what positions tend to project more confidence and authority. Position your mate how you want him in bed, and touch him in a firm, insistent way. Tell him not to move without your permission, and keep him positioned how you want him while allowing yourself to move freely. All of these things communicate dominance and will help get your partner into the submissive headspace that he craves.

Secondly, remember that you don’t need to be perfect at BDSM or to have run a sex dungeon for five years to have a lot of fun in a scene with your mate! If you are nervous about your performance or seem to be lacking in confidence, that is the most surefire way to kill the scene, because dominance requires a certain confidence in what it is that you are doing. So, don’t worry about the fact that you are inexperienced or that you might make a few mistakes — focus on taking pleasure from your partner and practicing some of the things I’m about to talk about next.

Okay, so you’ve psyched yourself up, you’re confident, you really want to dominate your partner in order to please him (and, I mean, hopefully you enjoy yourself too). So… how do you actually *do* that?

There isn’t any major secret to being dominant in bed. If anything, whenever you aren’t sure what to do next during a scene, ask yourself one simple question:

“What would please me now?”

Let’s say you want your partner to lick his way down your chest while massaging your thighs. Instead of asking your partner to do that, tell him to do it. Instead of asking for what you want, you’re going to command and instruct.

You say, “Lick your way down my chest, and massage my thighs.”

If your partner is doing it in a way that pleases you, great. If not, you tell him how to do it better. You don’t worry about making him feel insecure about not doing it right; you trust in the fact that he wants to be making you happy right now, so you instruct him in how he can do the best possible job of that.

On the flip side, let’s say that what would please you now is doing something to your partner while he takes a more passive role. That can work really well too. In this case, there’s a great trick that can really amp up the sexual tension in a scene and make it seem like everything you’re doing is part of some Master Plan. What you do is tell your partner what it is you’re going to do before you do it. Then, wait a few moments. Ask your partner if he’d like what it is you said you were going to do. If so, ask him to beg for it. Most submissives love this kind of treatment, as it really makes them feel like you’re in control.

Now, before getting too carried away, it is really important to establish good boundaries with your partner to make sure things don’t get carried away. The trick I just mentioned — telling your partner what it is you’re going to do before you do it — is also helpful here. If your partner reacts with abject terror and tells you “no fucking way are you doing that,” well, don’t do that! If he whines a little but still seems game, then, well, murr.

To make doubly sure that your partner is okay with everything you’re doing, though, it’s important to pick a safeword. When you or your partner says the safeword, it means you immediately stop what it is that you are doing and talk to your partner as an equal about what is going on and what is not working. In some cases, your partner might say “I’ve had all I can take for now,” and the safeword ends the scene. And that’s fine. There will always be more time to play. Now, whatever safeword you pick should be something you wouldn’t normally say during a scene, or you can cause some serious confusion (so, foxes, no picking “yiff”). Personally, I use “Republican,” because nothing turns me off more, but “Scalia” is rapidly rising in popularity thanks to recent events for similar reasons. Either of those are great choices.

Once you have a safeword worked out, the next thing you have to do is work out with your partner what kinds of things might turn him on in a scene. Exploring what it is he might like done to him in fantasy, roleplay, and dirty talk before actually taking your clothes off is a really great idea, and it can avoid lots of confusion, false starts, and use of the safeword during a scene. A lot of amateur dominants seem to think that asking a partner what would turn him on somehow ruins the magic of the scene, and that’s just not true. A dominant is a leader, and good leaders turn to their followers for council and guidance before taking decisive action whenever they can.

Most submissives don’t expect their dominants to read their minds, and they will be happy to tell you what it is that turns them on about submitting to you. But even if your partner is shy about asking for what it is that he wants from being dominated, there are great ways to get him to say indirectly. As mentioned, roleplay is a fantastic way to explore kink and BDSM with your mate. Roleplay can, in some cases, basically write a loose script for a scene; however, it is important to keep in mind that people tend to be much more extreme in roleplay than they are in real life, so remember to use that trick of telling your mate what it is you are about to do before you do it to avoid getting either of you in over your head. Another great strategy is to browse FurAffinity or e621 or SoFurry with your mate. Pay attention to which images and stories turn him on, and ask him why he finds certain scenarios hot or interesting. You can also ask your mate to fill out an F-List profile and show it to you after, which can help you figure out what it is that will turn your mate on during a scene.

Now, let’s say you try all of these things, you’ve done a few scenes, and it just isn’t working. You don’t have any desire to dominate or do things to your mate; you just want to relax and let your mate have his way with you. That’s totally fine! Dominance might not be a good fit for you; perhaps both you and your mate really just need to be in the submissive role in bed. Does that mean you and your mate simply aren’t compatible with each other and that you need to break up and find someone else? Not necessarily.

If you and your mate are in something other than a totally closed relationship, you might choose to seek a dominant to share with one another. Jointly submitting to a dominant together can be an extremely intimate bonding experience, and it can get both of your needs met while adding some novelty and excitement to your sex life. In addition, most dominants love the idea of having two submissives pleasure them at once, so you aren’t likely to have much trouble finding people to “guest star” in your bedroom. Most of the stable triads I have encountered have started this way, with two submissive mates finding a third, dominant person who started out as a sexual connection and grew into being a full member of the relationship. So, that’s an option.

You can also choose to play with dominants separately, though many people encounter jealousy when their partners get their needs for dominance met elsewhere (because submission is a very powerful bond in many cases), so be forewarned and prepared for whatever feelings you might encounter in that case.

Hope that helps! If you have any follow up questions or comments, we’d love to hear from you. Check out our contact page at www.feralattraction.com/contact where you can find out how to reach us by email, Twitter, Telegram, Skype, ask.fm, and more.

 

 

 

Viro the Science Collie

Viro Science Collie is a PhD virologist and medical writer, experienced in teaching, technical communication, and writing for the public. He has been active in the furry community since 2012 and has been happily and ethically non-monogamous for much of that time. His interests include non-traditional relationship structures, technology, biological science, and tennis.