Is my friendship with my now-taken lover worth saving?

Question

I am currently in an open relationship with my boyfriend (A), we love each other and we agreed to be romantically attached only to each other but it’s totally fine to have sex with other people (given that we use protection and be open with each other about it). 
Anyways, some while ago I met someone (B) I really like too, and we had sex occasionally and were good friends (maybe even more). I don’t know, I guess I’d prefer a polyamorous relationship so I could live out my feelings with person B, while still being attached to my boyfriend (A). But A doesn’t like that, and I am respecting that. So I settled with being friends with B so at least I can explore some stuff in the bedroom with him and I was pretty happy with that too.

Problem is, I introduced him (B) to a third party (C) and they kind of fell in love. I was shipping them in the beginning and I asked if C would be “very possessive” or if he’d be cool with me borrowing B from time to time. He said he wanted him for his own in a very harsh way, but I thought: well, okay, I have to accept that. So I kept some distance because I got a little jealous in that situation. But B&C really shared a lot of their sexual and romantic activities, and even messaged me privately even though I told them I don’t really want to hear it (I even left groups, excusing myself etc).

It came so far that I was having a nice evening with my boyfriend and suddenly they interrupted us via Telegram and I got upset, my boyfriend doesn’t like that I am feeling so much for that person, so we had a (peaceful) discussion etc, but it ruined our evening. So I said to B, who had messaged me, that I don’t want to hear about that stuff and I blocked him, because I didn’t expect an answer, I just wanted silence for that night.

But then things escalated. He (B) was super furious about that I had blocked him, accused me of causing drama and that he wants to leave the furry fandom because “all furries are too emotional”, so I unblocked him and told him that he’s really hurting me by sharing all this information with me when I was trying to respect their relationship, ignore my jealous feelings and suck it up.

Then C accused me of being in love with B, which “I shouldn’t/couldn’t do, because I’m in love with A” (he basically tried to define the relationship between me and A, so I told him - I admit - very aggressively, that the relationship between me and A is none of his business). C also accused me of trying to steal B from him, which wasn’t true, I was just trying to respect their relationship and therefore needed a break from B and C because it was just plain pain for me to watch them being happy together, because C always underlined that B was his property only (and then talked about what he does to his property).

They were really hysterical, blocked everyone on Telegram, even our mutual friends and other furries, saying that they don’t want to be associated with the fandom anymore /because there’s too much drama there/ and explicitly told me that I am the kind of person they dislike so much because I’m the type who creates drama.

I really want to stay friends with B, even though he was mean to me, because I still like him and I don’t want him to be angry at me. How should I approach someone after that? Have I missed anything from their perspective? Do I maybe deserve their silence/isn’t that what I wanted?

Received via e-mail (name withheld)

Answer

Sounds like you have got yourself quite the mess! Unfortunately, non-monogamy is not always simple, but you can certainly take steps to make things a bit less complicated for yourself.

Based on the situation you describe, it sounds like your friendship with B is causing far more trouble than it is worth under the present circumstances. Your friendship with B is stressing your boyfriend out, and also distressing B’s boyfriend C. Moreover, C is acting extremely jealous and possessive towards B with respect to you, despite you having even introduced them. That isn’t a situation you need to be injecting yourself into given the amount of negativity surrounding it.

I would suggest that you steer clear of B and C so long as they are together. If in the future B is no longer under C’s influence, that might be the right time to re-establish a friendship of some kind, although I would recommend you proceed carefully so as to avoid upsetting or worrying your boyfriend any more than necessary.

As of right now, I don’t get the sense that B is particularly invested in being friends with you, either. B hasn’t done a good job of empathizing with you in this situation or of respecting your boundaries; instead, he has chosen to flaunt his sexual and romantic exploits with C even after you told B that doing so makes you upset. B’s behavior has been quite selfish and uncaring. It also doesn’t sound like he’s standing up to C and advocating for his right to remain close with you; instead, he’s turned on you to please C. That isn’t a friend worth fighting for to begin with, and frankly, if someone treated me that way, I’d stop caring what they thought of me and I would move on, as painful as that might be.

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If you proceed with trying to pursue a friendship now, you are only going to antagonize people and create drama. Although I don’t necessarily think the drama that has happened so far is 100 percent your fault, I do think trying to force a friendship in these circumstances is likely to be very dramatic. B is quite toxic for you, and you should keep your distance.

Sorry not to have happier advice for you, but I hope what I’ve said helps in some way. If you have any follow-up questions or comments, please feel free to use the comments section below or to get in touch with us again via our contact page.

Viro the Science Collie

Viro Science Collie is a PhD virologist and medical writer, experienced in teaching, technical communication, and writing for the public. He has been active in the furry community since 2012 and has been happily and ethically non-monogamous for much of that time. His interests include non-traditional relationship structures, technology, biological science, and tennis.