I'm glad to hear you guys are doing a kink month — this should be fun!
I had a question about an interest of mine. I'm well-read but rather inexperienced in BDSM and power exchange stuff, but I definitely enjoy a bit of domination/submission flavor to sexual encounters — I generally either like to be in bed with a rather domineering partner who more or less has their way with me, or take that role myself. In particular, I seem to get off on varying degrees of discomfort endured while pleasing my partner — as a bottom, I like my partner to go just a bit faster than my body can comfortably handle, to not let me warm up, and generally, to make things hurt. When I'm giving blowjobs, I really like to be held down and controlled, to the point of not being able to breathe. One of the hottest things I've done with my (now ex) boyfriend was when he put me in handcuffs and a collar, put me on my knees, and throatfucked me in the shower. I specifically asked him for this, including the stipulations that we do it when I had an empty stomach so I wouldn't be sick when I inevitably started gagging, that he hold me down when I started to struggle, and that we do it in the shower so I wouldn't be getting drool and spit everywhere. For my part, I stayed down as long as I could, so when I started to struggle, it was almost an involuntary fight for oxygen, and him stopping me was what got me off. It went fantastically, and I really enjoyed it. Still, this is a form of breath play, and everything I read tells me breath play is dangerous, uncontrollable, and bound to cause serious physical harm. That said, this is so much fun that it's hard to turn it down if I can get it. Just how dangerous is this? Our safety system was that my handcuffs were made of velcro, and while you can pull as hard as you want and they won't come loose, they can be undone by pulling on a strap that I could reach, though it might take a second or two. Also, my ex is gentle by nature, and I really doubt he would take this too far — He was doing it mostly for my sake, though I think he did enjoy it as well.
An anonymous dragon
P.S. Viro, how on earth does one work as a freelance virologist? Surely someone doesn't just fed-ex you a vial of Ebola and ask you to run a few tests!?
Received via email (name withheld)
First off, glad to hear you're enjoying kink month! We're having a lot of fun with it.
As for your question, what you are describing might be by some stretch of the imagination "breathplay," because you find it difficult if not impossible to breathe while being throatfucked, but I don't think that the type of play you are describing quite rises to the same level of danger as the breathplay that you hear about as being horrifically unsafe. Usually, when we talk about breathplay being dangerous, we're talking about placing pressure on the neck (strangling), whether using arms, hands, or rope. I strongly recommend against doing breathplay in any of those ways, as there is no way to safely strangle someone. When it comes to breathplay that is safer, I might suggest firm hugs and mild chest compression to restrict breathing without cutting it off — these activities aren't nearly so dangerous for an otherwise healthy individual.
In your case, as difficult as it might be to breathe while choking on your partner's penis, your partner should be able to tell if you are in danger, and the situation is easy to resolve (he'll remove his penis and you'll be able to breathe). To make sure you don't get into a dangerous situation, if your partner can't tell the difference between fun struggling and panicked I'm-in-danger struggling, make sure you have a safe gesture that means "immediately stop what you are doing and make sure I am okay." It could be something like moving your left and right shoulders forward and back in a certain pattern, or whatever else might make sense given your bondage situation. You should not rely on being able to get out of your handcuffs as a safety mechanism, just in case something there would go wrong. You want a safety signal / safe gesture that is highly visible and impossible for your partner to miss.
You also never want to submit in this way to someone you don't have absolute trust in. I wouldn't recommend doing this type of play casually with a hookup partner; you want to build trust over time and work up to this kind of play, starting with lighter bondage and then escalating up through higher and higher trust-requirement situations and play scenes.
Hope that helps! If you have any additional questions, feel free to leave a comment or follow up with us via our contact page.
PS — My training is as a virologist, yes, but my freelance work is as a medical writer (I've hung up my lab coat and traded it for a pen). No vials in the mail for this science collie (although I do know of a few scientists who have sent mostly harmless viruses through the mail labeled as "partially fragmented bacterial digests" to save on costs, I do not recommend doing so!).