Hey, everyone! Viro here. I've been away from my column for a bit due to some personal issues I've had to resolve in my own life, but fortunately I have an excellent guest column to offer you all this week — a very personal bit of wisdom from an experienced submissive, learned the hard way (the school of hard knots, anyone?).
Without further adieu — or lame puns — please enjoy Riley Coyote's piece and learn what you can about submissive headspace and how to avoid letting desire for kink drag you into unsavory situations.
Being a Little is hard when you live in a place isolated from alternative communities. Being ANYTHING different is hard in areas like where I live.
I’ve spent the last fourteen years of my life exploring my sexuality very heavily online. It always amazes me to think back and remember what my perspective of sex, BDSM, Ageplay and Daddies was like throughout various periods of my exploration. I’m certain many now feel as I did in some of those times. I’m happy that I have met so many people over the years online and in person that helped me to grow - even the ones that hurt me.
Every experience is valuable. No matter what happens, good or bad, learn from it. I’ve made tons if mistakes and I will tell you now that if it weren’t for the bad experiences, I may have ended up in far worse situations due to not learning how to protect myself or recognize certain red flags in a conversation or someone’s body language.
Today I want to offer you a perspective I have today, now, as I sit and breathe and type away this little column of text. It comes, surprisingly, from something a preacher said at a sermon I attended when I was about fifteen. No! I promise I am not going to quote scripture here, but one bit of advice he gave to all the teen couples in the room now makes more sense to me than I could’ve POSSIBLY imagined back then… or at least I’ve applied it in much less puritanistic ways.
Basically he said that if you feel aroused hugging your partner or just holding their hand or kissing them, back off. Spend time not doing that and try it again at a time when it doesn’t so easily arouse you. Why? Because you need to be able to recognize if it’s the person arousing you? Or just the desire for sex that is arousing you. The preacher of course meant this to be more about finding true love over lust, but when I think back to that lesson, I really think he was onto something here. Allow me to further explain and apply this in a more realistic manner below.
I will say that the biggest bit of advice I can give to any of you is that if you feel COMPLETELY turned on to the point there is some throbbing down below and it’s just from talking to the person, that isn’t a good sign for either of you. It isn’t always bad! However, this is a sign that you have perhaps slipped a little deeper into your own needs and this can be the first warning sign that you are about to make a hastened and bad decision that could get you and/or the potential play partner hurt, especially where kink and BDSM are involved.
Take a step back and reflect a minute on what's going on in your head. Are you lowering any of your usual standards for the chance to experience something you don’t often get to explore? Or perhaps have NEVER explored but have always wanted to? Are you ignoring alarming words or behaviors from this person because the things they want to do with you excite you to your very core?
It’s easy to blind ourselves to potential threats when our genitals feel like a swollen balloon in our pants and I am not saying that that guy or gal promising to fulfill your fantasy is a bad person, but in areas like where I live? You would be surprised at just how little they may understand about the scene you are wanting to explore and they may even come off as though they’re an expert and say things like “Don’t worry, I’ve done this a few times.” And then you feel that pulsing and quivering start again and you’re ready to fall on your back, spread your arms and legs and shout “YES DADDY! YES!”
Oh and don’t think that chatting or texting or talking on the phone with them for a few days or even two weeks is enough if you aren’t taking the blinders off and asking the right questions. If you’re a submissive, you have EVERY right to quiz them. You have EVERY right to ask for details on what they have in mind for you. Tell them to be specific. Tell them you DON’T like surprises. Even if you do! Surprises come much much later! I don’t like it when strangers surprise me! Especially in an intimate setting! I like it when FRIENDS and doms I trust surprise me! And THAT is the major difference here.
Really consider the following questions:
- “Is my fetish/lifestyle something someone can really just dive feet first into and perform well in without possibly hurting me or themselves?”
- “Does this person really understand my views of the fetish/lifestyle and share them?”
- “Do they know what aftercare is?”
- “What is the plan? What do they want to do? What do they expect before, during and after and does it align with what I want?”
Take for example my ABDL lifestyle. Exposing my Little headspace makes me mentally and emotionally vulnerable as almost any subspace can and will do and let’s be honest… That headspace can drop like lead in water if the dom seems lost, unsure, or worse, takes things in a very bad direction opposite of what was understood. My lifestyle and fetishes surrounding diapers and ageplay are NOT something someone can dive right into and participate in very easily. If they are new to it, it’s going to take a lot of time and many scenes are like this.
Several times I have had had to snap abruptly out of my subspace to defend myself or throw a dom out because they had a completely different idea of the play involved with my fetishes. Sadly, many more get too excited and assume that my being a submissive means that the dom gets what they wants and the sub obeys unconditionally. If that is your scene? GREAT! But there are warning signs to watch for and you should be willing to have a candid conversation with any potential play mate in detail before signing up for anything.
And don’t forget...
There is NOTHING wrong with foregoing kinky fetish funtimes to explore each other in a far more vanilla scene! Vanilla sex is GREAT! In fact, do that. If you must ABSOLUTELY hop in bed with them, go right ahead BUT, be ready to make it clear that you want a safe, vanilla trial in bed with them.
Yes! It's okay to admit that we don’t always meet casually with someone before we give then our address or go to their place to fuck! It’s okay as long as you are safe and aware. What you do with your body IS your business, but ensuring Safe, Sane, and Consensual should be everyone’s business.
My very long-winded point here isn’t abstinence by ANY measure, but be aware of how your body is reacting and once it is, take a step back and reflect on some of the questions asked above. Really reflect on WHY you want this person so bad.
Is it the person? Or is it the kink that you want so badly?